Trying to find and navigate your place in this world in a role that not only suits you but that is also found to be fulfilling is a struggle many of us face. If we are successful in our athletic endeavors, do we assume that we are nothing after a loss or a switch in careers? Are we defined solely by the achievements we reach and fear the loss of ourselves if we come up short or fail? I know that I have personally fell victim to these very thoughts. From my youth and days in school to now as an adult, I am still struggling to solidify my place in this world. It’s crazy how things can change so drastically yet still remain the same. While my insecurities have shifted, they are still present, although they manifest themselves in different ways. Ultimately, my main goal is to leave the world a better place than how I came into it, simply for my existence and the positive impact I have on others.
In school, I wasn’t quite sure who I wanted to be. Sure, I wanted to be well-liked and (something I’m not proud of), have boys notice me, but I struggled with the envy I had for my much more beautiful and confident peers. I was a late-bloomer and grappled with incredible insecurities as I was often ridiculed for my appearance, short stature, lack of curves, braces, and acne. I felt a strong desire to always prove myself and be reliable so that I would always be needed and deemed an indispensable person that people would count on in their lives. Is it because I feared being forgettable and not needed by people that I tried so hard to prove my worth? A trait that has most definitely carried on into my adulthood.
Now, I put so much pressure on myself to always perform my best and win my matches or I feel not only like a failure, but also, incapable of determining who I am outside of the gym and competition. I am so fortunate to be in a relationship where I am so loved, but I also struggle with trying to juggle my role in this situation as well. I often times get hurt by my own expectations and thinking I am more included in a blended family than reality actually dictates. Only those who have been in a similar situation can truly relate to the feeling of being lost as an outsider trying to find their place within the familial hierarchy where relationships and bonds have already been formed and preconceived notions take precedence. It definitely doesn’t help that the evil stepmother trope is so rampant in film and tv. I’m trying to always lead with love and be content no matter what the reciprocation entails, but it isn’t always easy.
So, who am I? A fighter and BJJ brown belt who works hard and trains every day to make it? A writer with multiple platforms to express my viewpoints, opinions, and vulnerabilities? A stepmom who yearns for closeness and inclusion? A coach who wants her students to show up and excel and strive for greatness? A reliable teammate and friend who people can depend on? A mentor who aims to inspire and motivate? A partner who unconditionally loves and takes care of the cooking, the cleaning, and anything and everything in between? Maybe I just haven’t found the right balance of all of the above, but like a mathematician I keep plugging different variables into the formula until I come up with the right solution.
There are many things in life I am lucky enough to have a grasp on, but I can’t help but be haunted by the thoughts of the things in which I am still woefully ignorant on, but trying my best to learn my place in this world each and every day. I guess there really is no right answer to who any of us are, unless there exists a wikipedia page that gives a quick synopsis of your life. But even then, it doesn’t list the mundane of your every day or the thoughts that plague you and the aspirations you wish for. I guess we are all a work in progress, and every day we cultivate new facets of our mind, body, and spirit on what constitutes us as a whole. I hope that one day, when I’m gone, I will be remembered in a positive light and have left a legacy that long outlives my physical presence. Until then, all I can be is simply, me.
Read the blog. I feel you, really I do. I am trying to sort out the difference between The Who I am and the roles I play and have played. I feel as though they are very different things. I believe my core self is unchanged by the roles I am wedded to or the work I do or the gains and failures I accumulate. This at least is where I am now. I have realized as I stop defining myself through those other things that come and go, that change and shift, and instead strive to know the person that is underneath all of that stuff, I find there is much more quieting of these questions. Roles are simply that. You can chose them or not, change them, abandon them, add more. But your true nature, that’s the person that supersedes all the external roles to be played in life. Trying to use the roles you play as your lens for seeing your true self? I’m not sure you can. Roles are just roles, they are all externally driven. It’s like someone describing your soul by the clothes you wear.