What an incredibly wide array of emotions I endured over the past week. Social media can be an immeasurably powerful tool, but it can also be quite dangerous as well. Reminds of the eloquent speech by Ben Parker in Spider Man when he says “With great power, comes great responsibility.” And while he is definitely correct in his sage advice, Peter Parker still screws up and ends up causing a chain reaction of events that lead to dire consequences, and while his Uncle’s death is not directly his fault, his choices set off the catastrophic events that took place, leaving him riddled with guilt and setting him on the path of do-gooder vigilantism. It’s hard to view superhero as human beings who can make mistakes, but they are capable of egregious errors and misjudgments and rash decision making just like the rest of us. Especially poor Peter Parker, who was just a kid when inundated with his superpowers, and had heroism basically thrust upon him. When I was a teenager in high school, I would consider myself lucky to not sneak out to a party where deviant acts of sexual exploitation were in occurrence and minors were doing lines of coke off the back of a toilet tank, so yeah, I’d say Peter Parker was doing pretty alright. Basically what I’m getting down to is a lot of responsibility befalls on many people who never asked for it, but now have the burden of stepping up to lead by example, and hopefully do not get eviscerated for any snafu they stumble across along the way,
Recently, I expressed an opinion on my personal page about the health of the American people and the way in which we treat our bodies. I wanted to emphasize the lack of importance we have placed on our health in the past with the abundance of fast food and detrimental smoking habits, but I feel as if the way in which I worded these opinions were misconstrued in a harsher verbiage than I had intended. All of a sudden, I was immediately confronted with harsh criticisms of the vernacular I had chosen and a slew of expletives were typed at me in claims I was “shaming” others for their choices and that I lacked empathy and was attacking anyone overweight. I apologized for my poor word choice, but that was heavily glossed over. Now, I will say that my Jiu Jitsu friends were all pretty positive on the post, and if anyone took issue with what I had said, privately messaged me and we had lovely, cordial conversations on the matter. It was actually an online women’s group, of which I know zero of the people personally in my day to day life, who came at me with pitchforks and guns blazing. Literally only women from that group, who may I add have never spoken up before when I had made countless posts advocating for mental health or the disenfranchised or tried to make a difference, but the one time I said something that may not have resonated well or came off in a way I did not intend, they completely went after me with vocalized, angry affronts on my character and everything in between. Apologies on my behalf were completely ignored, and it was like any online camaraderie had never existed. Turns out, not all can be adults in a situation and speak to someone rationally when they had hurt them, whether intended or not, and that truly sucks for lack of a better term.
I will say, that I never meant to upset people, but if they were so incensed by what I had written, maybe it was because it brought up some personal demons and insecurities some were too fearful to confront. I never intended to cause discourse or “feelings of shame” and I truly was sorry for the wording I had used, but I definitely do not think one slip-up in expressed opinions, is enough to diminish years of the positivity I have tried to imbue. The main lesson I have learned from all of this is that intent and tone of voice can’t always be conveyed through writing, and it is important o try and take a step back to hear where the other side is coming from before jumping down someone’s throat, and also, online women’s groups where you don’t personally know anyone are the devil. I had felt so upset all day by what had transpired and I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide, but then I thought to my self, “self, buck the fuck up.” I can’t always choose the way people treat me or what they personally think of me, but I can choose how I react, and I refuse to let others ruin my day. I may have a whole crowd of people out there rooting for me to fail and hoping I get my ass beat every single time I step into the octagon, but do you think Conor McGregor gives a rat’s fart of the people who hate him? He’s still out there doing boss ass shit and I doubt he’s out there crying into his pillow like I may have once, or twice, or 43 times.
I’m not perfect, nowhere even close to it actually. I have permanent residence at “I always fuck everything up island” and the P.O. Box is where I get all my mail. If you put me on a pedestal, I will let you down more times than you could imagine by not living up to impossible standards and expectations, but I will always try my hardest to do what is right and to try and leave a positive impact in the world. When you are a bit more in the public eye, you have more people scrutinizing your every single move, waiting for that one slip up so they can triumphantly lead the way of disintegrating anything and everything you have ever done. Perhaps it makes others feel better to tear down someone that others have deemed successful from certain accolades and they enjoy seeing them plummet into the throes of animosity. They say that everyone likes a comeback story, but I also believe there are a good number of people out there who like to see those who are successful at accomplishing things they themselves are too unmotivated and afraid to attain, fall on their face. Well, I hate to disappoint those cheering for my blunders, but this face can take a beating, and no matter if I fall down 9 times, I will get up 10 and keep persevering. I like to think that I have garnered enough life experience so far to be able to adapt and learn from my mistakes and apologize when I am wrong. It’s not up to me whether people choose to accept it or not, and those still intent on tearing others down when they have tried to rectify situations, speaks volumes of their character alone. BDE baby, BDE.
If you’re looking for me to never meander from the righteous path of perfectionism, I hate to tell you this, but I will undoubtedly mess up again. However, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and always work on trying to better myself and my surroundings. Those with a platform should definitely try to use it for the better, and I will keep trying every single day to leave my mark and make a positive change. There are countless people in my past I am sure I have unintentionally hurt, and I truly am sorry for that, but I can’t allow myself to be consumed with the sadness I feel over anyone who doesn’t like me. Universal popularity is simply not a viable option, but as long as I can change one thing for the better, or even make one person smile, then I think I am doing pretty okay. I only want to cause damage to those in the cage, and only for a limited time frame. Physical damage, not emotional, and I must get better at not emotionally obliterating myself when I feel I have let others downs. I think it’s pretty shitty when people who don’t even know you think they have a right to judge you as a person, and make up their minds on your character and behaviors by something they see online without any actual knowledge of the individual you are, especially under the guise of a self-righteous platform where every little thing is offensive and they can’t see the damage they themselves are inflicting. At the end of the day, I will keep doing all that I can to try and make things a little bit better by existing in a world where I can make a difference, and I will definitely heed more caution with my words along the way. Forgive me, for I am only human, void of any radioactive arachnid powers, and yet still thinking I can somehow save the world when daily I struggle to even save myself. Today, I leave this blog, determined to do at least 2 positive things every single day, and to always make sure my intentions are good and my heart is whole. I won’t let strangers who misjudge my character effect me longer than 30 seconds and I will always stand up for myself because at the end of the day, I resolutely try my hardest to do what is right and be a good person, and I’m just sorry that others find it necessary to verbalize hurtful things in my direction despite trying to speak my apologies and my peace. Do no harm, but also, take no shit.
