Ovaries Are Not Brovaries

To say I have been having a rough week mentally wouldn’t even begin to scratch the surface for the nonphysical turmoil I continuously put myself in. I’ve geared up to compete, with my female reproductive system absolutely screaming in protest with every fiber of its being, and remarkably ended up unscathed, although my win-loss ratio has taken quite the hit. I have been walking around in a funk, suppressed under a cloud of self-doubt, self-pity, and self-loathing. And I am honestly disgusted and ashamed I allowed myself to fall into such depths of despair within my own mind. I’ll be the first to admit that as of late, I have been remarkably unloveable. Why should people with no blood ties be forced to harbor any affection for such a miserable, critical, negative, depressing house dweller? It is no one’s responsibly, least of all my partner’s, to placate my emotions and instill happiness within me, that relies solely upon myself. John had to place both hands on my shoulder, cupping my face in his large, rough hands, and stare me directly in the eyes. the other day and tell me we need to be strong together, and he is right. It is not fair to place the world on his back in addition to also be made to carry my load for me. This doesn’t mean we can’t assist one another when every once in awhile the load becomes too heavy of a burden to bare alone, but I need to dig in my heels, grit my teeth and begin to start pulling my own weight. After all, we are a power couple; couple means two, and I am ready to release this powerful BDE burning a hole in my soul and clamoring to unleash its fury to the world together.

I think a reason I am so hard on myself is that this is all I do. I train my ass off day in and day out and I expect the results to demonstrate that. I have been executing exceptional prowess and technique in training, but lately have been unable to perform as well in competition. I feel like Jim (Jason Biggs) in American Pie when he’s videoing himself with foreign exchange student Nadia, and just like him, the public has seen me come up short twice in a row. While not feeling my best is no excuse, it did seem to mess with my psyche in the hours leading up to competition. I have been dealing with a minor health issue that began the day of my first lackluster super fight the previous week. I woke up with stomach pains, gastrointestinal issues, and bouts of nausea that had me doubled over. Turns out, the ovarian cysts I am prone to reared its ugly head once again. While cysts in the ovaries is actually fairly common amongst women, I tend to produce large ones that impede the natural flow of my. intestines, causing both pain and an inability for the digestive track to proceed as normal. So if any of you out were ever wondering if I was full of shit, turns out you got your answer. It takes a few weeks to completely dissipate but thankfully my medical provider has helped ease the pain and with proper treatment and things are now much better. Being a woman sometimes can be absolute trash, as I can name several women off the top of my head dealing with endometriosis, or PCOS, or a long line of other hormonal related bullshit. If men are ever low on their main hormone, testosterone, it’s super easy to get a script for more when their bodies stop producing enough. What about the ladies? It’s tough titties for them as headaches, cramping, hot flashes, and night sweats will haunt them for years to come, and the last thing we want is more estrogen. How many men out here going through a weight cut with debilitating cramps, bloating, and bleeding from their nether regions!? Thank you, next.

I am woman, hear me roar. And I’m not letting no sorry ass excuse for a reproductive system ever mess with my mentality ever again. I am doing research after research on the best supplements to take and food to eat so that I can be at my peak performance mindset with zero chance for the bad thoughts to creep back in and mood swings to control my mentality. I refuse to continue to act like a pussy when I need to go back to being that dick we all know and love (BDE reference, and not just me being an asshole). While estrogen may not be the bestrogen, I won’t let something as insignificant as hormones dictate my behavior ever again. I’m stronger than that. I look at the photos of my competition from the previous weekend, and I am hanging my head low in every single one of them. It’s subtle, but believe me I noticed it and I am pissed at myself. Chin up, tits out, and persevering onward forevermore. From now on, the only blood I am focusing on is the one I can force from the flesh of my enemies and opponents alike and nothing else is just a blip in the radar. These insignificant specks daring to besmirch my mindset with a foul mood is not worth the time or energy to linger upon. Period.

They say to walk tall and carry a big stick. At 5’0, I’m walking as tall as I possibly can and you already know about the size of the stick I’m slanging around. Conor McGregor often regales his success to the fact that he believes in himself so much, there’s nothing he imagines incapable of accomplishing. He says one of the most satisfying things you can ever do in life is to say you are gonna do something and go out there and do it, especially to anyone who had previously doubted you. Welp, I am putting it out there right now in writing. January 31st I will be champion, and I will win that belt with confidence and skill and crush anything threatening to stand in my way. I spoke about it and now I will be about it, and whether you believe what I say or not, I damn sure believe it and it will happen, lady problems be damned. I mean, sure, it’s complete trash that the one birth control in existence that works best with my symptoms is still over $140 a month even with insurance, but who cares about women’s problems, am I right? There are some people out there who experience none of the issues I mentioned and I am insanely jealous as my cycles wreak absolute havoc on my insides and make the elevator scene from ‘The Shining’ seem mild in comparison. But I will always find a way to come out on top regardless of the obstacles and hindrances and even pains in my way.

Being a girl may not always be the bee’s knees, but it definitely has its benefits. I am fortunate enough to be in the position to influence lots of young girls into pursuing their dreams and their passions, despite size or social stigma. I think that this is the sole greatest achievement I have ever accomplished; when a young girl wants to meet me or take a photo with me because I have inspired them in some way. This is why I am holding myself more accountable going forward. I don’t want anyone to look at me and see someone who is mentally weak or emotionally inferior. Sure, it’s okay to allow myself to be vulnerable and express myself as I am only human, but I am not a negative, do-nothing, quitter. It’s simply not in my blood. They will see someone who may fall down 9 times, but I will stand up 10, and every single time it will be with my head held high and my chest puffed out like the baddest dude in the schoolyard. If I can dream it and believe it then I can achieve it, and no damn pain in my ovary or loss in competition will ever put a damper in my future. I’ve got way too many things to accomplish and I am determined to keep on going no matter what. I believe in myself and I’ve got a partner who does too so I am already winning at life. I can’t wait for the rest of you to see me winning in the cage as well.