How Now Brown Cow

I can’t be the only one who immediately thinks of the poop emoji when they think of the color brown, right? Hello, it’s me, the newest addition to the flocks of fecal colored Jiu Jitsu practitioners adorned with a crisp new brown belt, or faixa marrom as the cultured folk say. While I am, in fact, not a piece of shit, it doesn’t mean that I don’t leave the mats some days feeling like the gargantuan pile of triceratops excrement Dr. Ellie Sattler was fascinated by in Jurassic Park. Brazilian Jiu Jitsu has to be the most humbling sport there is. Some days, you feel untouchable and on top of the world, and other days you may as well be a particle of Miralax making its way through the digestive tract of a severely impacted individual. If this sport hasn’t made you feel emotionally on par with a stinky dropping of dung heap then you, my friend, are training at the wrong place. Yet deep down, we must all secretly be masochists because we keep showing up and coming back for more. I guess when it comes down to it, we all have an inkling to be sponsored by Pepto Bismol in one way or another.

Man, I bet half of you reading this week’s blog are certain I’ve exhausted all my poop humor and toilet related metaphors and puns, but you are sorely mistaken. Let the hate flow through you as rapidly as salmonella induced diarrhea and buckle up for the rest of this crappy journey. With this new belt promotion, I definitely feel as if I have something to prove, and to those who doubt me, they will feel my revenge and perhaps some of Montezuma’s as well. It’s true that as my name was called, a wave of uncertainty and doubt washed over me. Am I really worthy of receiving this next step in my martial arts journey? Are there naysayers out there who think this was undeserved and perhaps it was a familial tie propelled me to this promotion prematurely? But then I stifled (kinda) my happy tears and accepted that belt around my waist with grace, because I know I train under a strong affiliation in which the professors would never promote anyone who hadn’t rightfully achieved their new rank. No amount of Imodium in existence could stifle the flow of turd droppings now coursing through my veins as I am eager to step onto any mat and inside any ring or octagon to demonstrate my newly acquired prowess. My brother was right in telling me that belts are earned over a period of time, and not by the actions of a single day, and it is up to us to continue to display what that belt entails.

I am very guilty of punishing myself with negative self talk and critical remarks about every performance I have, and I can’t even begin to explain the rationale behind it. Perhaps it is the perfectionist in me that makes myself so keen to dump a load and crap on everything I have ever done. In my mind, this is my main job and what I push myself to work towards all day every day, so I become frustrated with myself when I am not achieving the highest accolades and top skills I struggle to dominate in. I hate that I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough, and this should be the biggest resolution I wish to change this year. In fact, I will strive my hardest to make this my sole doodie (duty) in all of my future endeavors. I am so eager to compete that I can hardly contain my excitement, and I feel that once I conquer this one mental hurdle, there is absolutely nothing in the world that can hold me back. It’s important for us to continually remind ourselves of our self worth, and not find it a necessity to seek validation from others in order to be satisfied. This confidence comes from somewhere within us, and even if I have to dig that type of confidence from deep within the darkest depths of my bowels, so be it. I won’t stop pushing myself and even if I am straining like the most constipated individual in existence, I will keep pushing until I’m voided of any hindrance left behind.

You know, sometimes it feels like we are consistently being crapped on without realizing that it is manure that fertilizes the best crops and plants. Your garden will never flourish to the best of its potential without a bit of doo doo being thrown on top. Utilize the poop in your life and turn the feces into tools to propel your growth. I know that I have been through my fair share of trials and tribulations and by surviving and persevering through all those crapstorms, I have become a stronger and much more resilient individual. Sure, there are some days when I feel like I can’t do anything right and that I am failing at everything I touch, but I know that feeling is temporary and fleeting and if I have the mental fortitude to keep pushing, I will reach new heights I never even imagined possible. Achieving a brown belt in Jiu Jitsu was once a lofty aspiration of mine, never believing that this dream would ever come to fruition. And holy crap, that moment is now here and I busted my butt to earn this honor. I hope I can continue to represent my team and my academy with the utmost reverence and display myself accordingly in every competition I participate in. I know there will still be days that I feel like an impostor in my gi, silently sweating that everyone will feel I am a fraud. But those are the days that I need to nut up buttercup and tell that stupid little voice in the back of my head to pull a Minnie from ‘The Help” and eat shit, because I earned this. Even on my bad days I am still a brown belt at heart and anyone who has anything of negative input to add can have a big ol’ helping of her chocolate pie.

It’s 2020 baby, and the year I stop letting anyone get in my way, including my own self doubt. To those who dare try to impede the success I am working my ass off to achieve, I promise I am shitting on all of you and no amount of durable and heavy duty Depends can contain me. I will leave my stain on this community like the world’s most permanent skid mark in existence, and even extra strength bleach can’t erase me. I am a BJJ Brown Belt, a top wmma atom weight prospect, and thirsting for blood with a won’t ever quit attitude. This blog is my laxative and I am purging the negative thoughts that will poison my body and banishing them from existence forevermore. I am putting the ‘die’ in diuretic and I can’t wait to see what my future at brown belt will unfold. At least now I can check off “inspired people by regaling copious amounts of excrement humor” off my bucket list. Time to flush out those who dare to impose a hindrance on any of our dreams and keep climbing our way to the top. I am the Wolf Queen, and one day I will reign over more than just the porcelain throne. Enjoy the rest of your day readers. Deuces.