I can’t even begin to count the amount of times I have failed at something as everyday my life is composed of tiny little mistakes accumulating day in and day out. I have failed my teammates, my coaches, my students, my family, my parents, my partner, and myself. I have failed as a student, as an athlete, as a friend, as a girlfriend, as a parental figure, as a competitor, as a role model, and so on. I have failed to express myself, failed to conceal my emotions, failed at something big, failed at something small, and most importantly, I have failed at forgiving myself for not being perfect all of the time. Y’all ever seen a drunkard staggering home from a bar at 3 am? That’s the perfect metaphor for how it feels like I am stumbling through life, all haggard and disheveled and reeking of poor decisions. But it may be that I am actually not that much of a failure at all, but my warped perception of the individual I have created in my own mind versus the one out here in reality is leaving me with an inundated sense of resentment as there is absolutely no way I can possibly live up to the perfection I so crave. Or it could be that I am such a failure I can’t even begin to analyze all the wrong things I end up doing.
I competed this past weekend and lost by such infinitesimal fractions of error that it permeated every cell in my brain in an incredibly haunting fashion. A point here and there and a ref’s decision. Oof, like piercing daggers in my heart. It wasn’t that I truly fucked up, I just didn’t do my absolute best and my opponents capitalized, no matter how small the mistake. And I honestly don’t care at all if anyone was embarrassed or shamed by my tears after my matches. I’m human and allowed to express my emotions in a coping and healthy way that allows my mind a cathartic release. I can persevere and still cry and as long as I don’t walk off or quit I feel as if you should be fine with it. Perhaps if men found it as socially acceptable to express their tears at a loss instead of immediate flashes of cussing and anger, the suicide rates among males wouldn’t be so rampant and everyone’s mental health would benefit in the long run. Do not shame me for crying or view it as weak; allow me to be sad for 5 fucking minutes before I dust that shit off and go back to being the baddest bitch I can muster.
I understand when people come up to me prior to a match or a fight with the best intentions of instilling their faith in me. But when someone makes a comment along the lines of “Man, you’re gonna kill that girl.” Or “I would wish you luck but you’re not gonna need it.” It absolutely has quite the opposite effect. Anything can happen in a fight or in a match and even if I’m dominating the entire time and they capitalize on one minute error or maybe I catch them on their best day and they get me on my worst day, then what? Are my skills as an athlete diminished because I lost to someone people thought I would cream? And do these people now think less of me as a competitor? And those who don’t compete would read this and think I’m absolutely insane for equating the two, but I know for a fact there are many others who deal with this as well. We all expect our opponents to step into the cage or on the mats and bring with them their A-game, so by saying stuff like this you’re either deeming our adversary unworthy and it’s no great feat to beat them anyways, or you make us feel as if we aren’t as good as you thought we were. Our mind plays dirty tricks on us all the time and wishing us luck or a positive affirmation will do us worlds better than downplaying our competitor.
I think I’d be able to handle to handle my competitive failures better if I was super successful off the mats as well. But apparently I’m only human and therefore always second guessing every choice and every decision that I make. I work hard to try and provide an exemplary individual, show my support, and hopefully help lead the children in my life on a path of success. Yet I am always wondering if what I am doing is sufficient enough. If others are struggling and having a rough time, is that on me? Perhaps I was too harsh or too critical or didn’t render my support enough or didn’t provide adequate guidance. I don’t know. I think the fact that I am always questioning stuff like this means I have the best intentions, but yet, still I fail time and time again. Immeasurably, I want to thrive and by association, have those I care about flourish as well. I do not ever take for granted that I have one life to live on this Earth and I wholeheartedly want to leave a positive impact on those I touch and the things I accomplish. I also never want to let down my partner, who is also my coach and my biggest supporter. Anytime I come up short in competition or in my big life decisions, I feel as if I disappointed him and let him down. I know in m heart that this is probably not the case, but I can’t help feeling that all I want to do is make him proud. He has invested so much time into my successes and our relationship that I will do anything to not end up another blip of disappointment on his life’s radar. He deserves a top notch and successful woman who never fails, and yet here I am, being a greater let down than the season finale of Game of Thrones. Winter is coming y’all, and I’m choking harder these days than King Joffrey.
I promised myself no pity parties, so after my 5 minute display of tears, I need to shut that shit down. Champion mindsets don’t let one thunderstorm keep them from seeking the rays of an enveloping sunlight ever again. In fact, this has only made me crave basking in its warm glow even more strongly. The successes would never feel as remotely fulfilling if it weren’t for all the setbacks along the way. Can one truly relish in the spoils of victory without knowing the perils of defeat? Perhaps, but most likely not. For instance, I can only truly appreciate this love and respect I have in this partnership after suffering through the misery of unworthy and negative relationships in my past. I am luckier than most would ever realize and thankful every day for the choices that led me here. These experiences are what mold us and shape us as a person and determine the type of lasting imprint as we leave our mark. I am trying to be kinder to myself and learn to not be so angry for failing. After all, everyone fails at some thing some time, but the real failures are the ones who never try. I am not brave for doing what I do, but maybe it takes an ounce of courage to be so vulnerable and transparent with my feelings. Most of all, I am not weak for admitting these things, but profoundly wise for accepting and confronting these emotions head on and learning to embrace them rather than bottling them inside to fester. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll fail less and less as time goes on as well.
