I can’t be the only one out here constantly feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough. I try so hard and sometimes I’m sat here wondering what’s even the point? I’m not sure if there is an appreciation of the sacrifices made or the efforts put forth so why am I busting my ass? Maybe one day it will be recognized, but until then I keep soldiering on. Nothing shatters quite like a broken heart, and I thought I understood what true heartbreak was until I discovered how woefully ignorant I was. I understand wholeheartedly that I am not a parent, nor family, nor blood related, and lately the constant reminder of always feeling like an outsider is weighing heavily on my mind. It’s hard to always be on the outside of a circle, with no way too ever truly be included, but wanting so badly for your love to be felt regardless. I miss the happiness I was once surrounded by, and unfortunately, these days I am feeling as ostracized as the stepmother from Cinderella. Clearly, I am bippity bopping the fuck up with everything and everything I do or say seems to be wrong.

I’ve been blocked so much on social media these days that I was seriously considering deleting all of my accounts for the sake of my sanity, but know I needed to keep them for the future of my career. My heart feels more bruised and battered than the time my face got totally pummeled and pulverized. You remember Ben Askren’s head after he took that flying knee KO? Yeah, that’s pretty much how my heart feels. But honestly, I will never stop loving. I’ll still be at every event, school function, sporting activity, etc; the shoulder to cry on, the person to lean on, the spare ear if someone needs to vent, the one to cook a hot meal to soothe an empty belly, and the love and encouragement I strive to provide. I know it’s probably incredibly. selfish of me to cry over hurt feelings when there are others out there who would give anything for one more soured dispute with a loved one, but I’m only human, and despite the badassery of my career choice, my emotions are still absolutely. crushed when the hurtful words come in.

Clearly, I am nowhere even close to perfect. I fuck up more often than I would like to admit and I am beating myself up constantly worrying about everything I do wrong, which is a lot of things. I have probably cried myself to sleep almost every night this past month and it’s because of the relationships I miss. I’ve even been harboring some horrible thoughts that perhaps there are people out there rooting for me to fail and hoping I get my ass beat on Saturday. It scares me to think people may relish those thoughts, especially people I care about, and it’s an intrusive mindset I keep dwelling on that is keeping me from being at peace. Probably not the words someone would expect the week of a fight, but I won’t ever apologize for being unapologetically me. Everyone presents an incredibly fake side of themselves to the world, whether it be through words, filters, or photoshop. They see the podium pictures, the motivational quotes, the happy family photos, etc., but no one sees the anguish in the soul. At the risk of baring it all and allowing myself to be so vulnerable, maybe it can help someone else dealing with the same or similar personal issues.

I never expected to be liked or even loved, after all, I was just the person an amazing man deemed worthy enough of his love. But once I felt that affection, I never knew or believed I would be capable of feeling such strong revelations of love towards other human beings. I guess that is probably the main reason this all hurts so much now. I will say that despite the piles of manure being dumped on me lately, I am trying my hardest to view it as fertilizer and a period of growth rather than just being shit on. I wish I believed in myself half as much as my partner does. He even reminded me just the other day that he would never be with someone he didn’t believe in or support and oh boy, did those words hit me hard. Even with all the problems I may face, he ain’t one of them. Maybe when I grow up one day, I can be just like him, because these 28 years haven’t given me enough life experience or wherewithal to handle things as smoothly as he does. I’m just the stupid little baby allowing herself to get her feelings hurt from scenarios I exacerbate in my own head until I am consumed by all the heartache and the pain.

I can’t wait to fight this Saturday. In the cage and on the mats, there are rules instead of just a free-for-all. fuck it fest. No physical pain I have endured, including the time I blew out my knee and tore every ligament, could compare to a broken heart or a lost relationship. The octagon will forgive my indiscretions far more easily than a person could. I just want those I care about to be happy and successful and it kills me that I can’t seem to figure out a way to fix things. Nothing done or said could ever stop my love, and I will continue to be a vessel harboring all the affection, whether reciprocated or not, because I will love them forever. They are such great people full of promise and potential and I know they will do great things in this life. The internal struggle of forever feeling like an outsider is something I must learn to live with, because I do need to accept that I won’t ever truly be a part of something I so desperately crave. My name is different, my goals are different, and my appearance is different, but my love will always be the same. I will continue to present the realness of my journey and all the highs and lows that come with it; a naked appearance if you will. And to those reading this, try and do at least one thing this week that will leave the world a bit brighter. Goodness knows we could all use it.