Boys Don’t Cry

While true that I may be off base with my assumptions here, I wonder why we tend to give women an almost ‘free pass’ when it comes to using kid gloves in the transition to BJJ, but we do not extend the courtesy to new men in the sport. While it can ring true that there exists a high percentage of women who initially got into the sport as a way to combat prior assault, many don’t seem to realize that a fair amount of men may have started on the sport for similar reasons as well. Perhaps not so much in the feeling weaker and smaller when it came to a physical or sexual attack, but may in fact be an issue they are struggling to cope with emotionally. It may be that someone (albeit male or female) is at training that night as an escape. Could be that they are dealing with a breakup or divorce, struggling with work, suffering with health issues, failing to rectify a familial situation with their kids, etc. I know that personally I have let external, mitigating circumstances result in a momentary breakdown on the mats, that was almost completely brushed off being as I was currently enduring a difficult fight camp and weight cut, and as a woman, expressing myself emotionally isn’t seen as a huge deal. I’m wondering if a man would have been given that same respect or if they are too fearful that tears would lead to a questioning of their masculinity and toughness?

I’ve become very close with the people at my gym; a family of extended brothers and sisters. I have witnessed these men deal with loss, breakups, divorces, and even miscarriages and put on a brave face in the gym and persevere. I want them to know that they don’t have to put on a facade that everything is alright and they are allowed to embrace their emotions. I know I’m probably very guilty of always looking to my partner to be the strong one, even though he has dealt with trials and tribulations I could never even fathom, and he does it all so strongly and fiercely. But all these brave men are only human and it is more than alright to be vulnerable on occasion and to love passionately, cry with sadness, fear the unknown, and work diligently and with tenacity. Empathy is what makes us human, and being able to relate to one another on and off the mats is such a great gift.

I’m amazed by the camaraderie of brotherhood and respect we all share on the mats, and I know that a huge part of that is the culture our leaders and owner of the academy have established. Feelings and situations are respected and understood and no one is made to feel uncomfortable in that environment. To the men who show up on the mats, secretly scared and timid to begin their first class, but walking around with much bravado in order to conceal their true feelings; don’t feel obligated to not speak up. It’s okay to take a second and catch your breath. Being trapped underneath a mammoth of a human being tends to ignite our fight or flight responses, and once we learn to control triggering a panicked reaction, we are all that much better for it. People in the BJJ community often throw around the phrase ‘spazzy white belt’ which tends to be directed at the males going too hard in a roll or not relinquishing to a position or tapping out. Maybe they are just scared to show weakness and don’t know a better way to express these frustrations besides flailing about like a roided up fish out of water.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not excusing bullshit attitudes of manliness and those who are ‘trying to prove something.’ I’m simply learning to better myself and help understand and empathize with my fellow human. I know whenever we have a new female student sign up, I extend a very welcoming hand because I know how intimidating it can be to walk into a male dominated environment and feel weak and smothered and how this can spark a reaction to a traumatic past event. But I’m also learning to be just as patient with the new men who sign up, especially because I don’t know what brought them in to the gym in the first place. Sure, sometimes you get the former collegiate athletes or aspiring competitors, but often times you get the dad who wants to lead by example for his child who recently signed up and prove that even if it’s hard, it’s worth persevering. Or you get the guy who is slowly dying inside from a horrible marriage and needs a place of sanctuary to escape and have a combative form of therapy. Or you get the guy stuck in a dead end job who feels hopeless about what his future may hold and he wants something to ignite a spark in his soul that he can control. Guys who do Jiu Jitsu are first and foremost, human beings.

I think Jiu Jitsu is good for the soul. It is a safe environment to challenge us, mold us, bond us, and help us see potential in ourselves we never previously thought was possible. Telling the young boys who will be the future men of tomorrow that it is ‘weak’ or ‘girly’ to cry only beats their heart into a submissive coma. There is a reason men have a much higher rate of suicide. And I don’t care if nobody talks about it, because I damn sure will. There is 100% absolutely nothing wrong with crying when our emotions get the best of us. I will be that shoulder you can cry on and then I will yell in jubilee with you as we celebrate accomplishments in life. I have no idea when sensitivity because such a bad word, but I’m working hard to change that. Personally, I think I’m tough as hell but even I get emotional over the stupidest things. I cry like an infant at weddings because to me, love is the most beautiful thing I can witness (besides a perfectly executed d’arce choke of course). Whoever said boys don’t cry can suck it, and if that offends you, then you can suck it too. Mamas, raise your sons to be as empathetic as your daughters and your daughters to be as tough as your sons. The human race is the best race. Fight me.