Middle Child Syndrome

Born too late to explore the earth, born too early to explore the galaxy; alas we are the middle children of history. Often times, this is how I feel, maybe not in such a broad, contextual sense of the phrase, but in little tidbits here and there. I’m surrounded by the constant reminder that I am not the first person to do many things and I am also very much behind on others. The only time I like being in the middle is when it’s at the top of the podium. I am always telling my students not to compare themselves, and that every journey is their own, yet I am constantly harping on own personal failures or even finding fault in many of my victories, both on and off the mats. I often catch myself saying things like “well so-and-so did it first” or “this person did it better” and for what? All it does is downplay my accolades and cast a shadow on my abilities and then I feel bad. Look at me, ruining my own semblance of happiness like some self sabotaging nut job with a gloomy agenda. Why am I like this!?

I am literally only this way when it comes to my MMA and Jiu Jitsu journey; regular life doesn’t seem to phase me. For instance, I know I am not the first person my partner has loved. He has been married and had kids way before I was ever in the picture. I know some people who are in similar situations and bothered that they are not the first, when in actuality I could not care less. I’m here now and love my situation and find no reason to compare anything from something or someone previously that I had no part of. I am not the first to blog about my personal thoughts and feelings, nor am I remotely the best. But I love doing it and I enjoy spilling what’s inside my head out onto my laptop. I never read another’s blog and then start nitpicking my own like I do with fights or competitions, instead I revel in their humor and enjoy what the article writer has to say. Even though plenty have came before me and even more will come after me, I am unbothered in this regard and will continue my weekly word vomit and hope others enjoy reading as well.

Lo and behold though I inevitably start ripping apart any and all of my martial arts performances. For example, I competed this past Saturday. IN order to have more matches, I bumped up to the 165 lb and up division because I’m stupidly tiny and wanted more fights. I had 8 matches and won 7 of them, losing one because I got greedy and made mistakes and yet I can’t stop beating myself up over it (not taking away from any of my opponents, who were all such awesome women and competitors). I ended up winning on points twice to the same person I previously lost to, but that almost made me feel worse. I know it’s dumb and I probably sound like a selfish, whiny brat, but I am definitely my harshest critic. I always feel like I let people down when I’m not perfect and that all anyone sees is the mistakes I make and not the triumphs. I need to stop with the mindset that nothing I do will ever be good enough and instead focus on the here and the now. I think it’s just hard growing up striving for the best and aiming to be a perfectionist so when one little thing goes wrong, I feel as if all my endeavors are a failure. A rational being would know this is not true, but a crazed workaholic such as myself will dissect every little part of my brain that can spot an error I committed and begin bashing me like I’m the piñata at an unruly 7 year old’s birthday party. (I could have went with so many ‘bashing’ metaphors and feel like I deserve some recognition for using a PG rated one, just saying).

I also like to hone in on my wins and start picking apart everything I didn’t do correctly. “I shot from too far out, I should have had the sub 10 seconds earlier, I let them get points before finishing, I took an unnecessary hit” etc. I often wonder if I’m the only neurotic BJJ practitioner that is never happy or satisfied with my performance. I fear I will become consumed with overwhelming negativity as I constantly lament over my failures and grievances and imperfections. Yes, I know, nobody’s perfect, but oh how I want to be so very badly. But again, I am not the first person who will accomplish (or attempt to accomplish) these things and I’m far from the last, so why is it that I care so much? And then I literally take everything as a slight on my performance. Like after this weekend when people would jokingly say “Oh 7 wins and 1 loss? Must have not tried hard enough.” And like, I know they are saying it as a joke because that is clearly quite a bit of effort, but my ill ass brain takes it as an “Aha. I knew it wasn’t good enough. And people invariably noticed.” Trust me, I am very aware of how absolutely sick in the head that I sound, but I can’t help it. Some people smoke meth, some pound bottles of tequila, and then there’s me, documenting every flaw in all of my performances. All these detrimental habits will inevitably harm you, cause you distress, and drive you to an early grave, but they’re incredibly addicting (so I hear; disclaimer: I do not smoke meth nor am I an alcoholic).

I will definitely try to work on being proud of my accomplishments and achievements without nitpicking my imperfections. Or at least, I will learn to let them roll off my back better. I’ve been a middle child my whole life, being that I’m sandwiched by a minute on either side as a triplet, and these are just feelings I need to grow accustomed to and apply to every aspect of my being. I know I am the only one evaluating my life under a microscope and no one else will ever be as critical as me so I should probably chill out a smidge. I just want to be the best Sam I can be and never settle for doing good when I want to do the best. I have to remember the things I am the best at, although I probably can’t document most of them in a blog post for the young readers that may peruse these, wink wink. Dr. Seuss was right on the money when he said “Today you are you, that’s truer than true. There is no one alive that is youer then you.” And gosh darn it, if my name isn’t Sam I am. Time to shake it off, go out there and get after it. And if you ever feel like talking negative on yourself remember, Horton hears a Hoe and positive people keep the hoes away, okay?