Balance. Everything in life ebbs and flows as we try to reach an equilibrium in our lives. I balance the role of dutiful girlfriend, doting pseudo parent, BJJ instructor, business owner, and mma fighter. I’m always constantly worrying that I am putting too much effort into a handful of those things and stress myself out wondering if I am neglecting other duties in favor of different pursuits. Glue on a smile and go through the motions. Fail, succeed, and fail again. Always a give and a take. These days I am much better at taking a step back and taking a deep breath in order to get a grasp on things and better control my emotional well being. I relish in the small victories and enjoy the little things rather than harp on the negatives or focus on the ‘what ifs’ that crop up in life. I put myself through a lot, yes, but I also get to reap some amazing benefits and revel in moments of gratitude and happiness.
Now, I say all of this as if I wasn’t mid-spar last night crying frustrated tears because I could not execute what I was hopelessly trying to do. I don’t know man, I just took it way too hard on myself and started filling my mind with horrible and derogatory names for me as I made blunder after error and suffered greatly for my ineptitude. On top of that, my emotional state for handling criticism was at an all time low, especially coming from a significant other and I just wore myself down. I was wondering why I was so daft and stupid that I could not get myself to do what I had been working so hard and instead just ate several shots to the legs and face. I think part of me was subconsciously wondering how someone could even love anyone as dumb as I was and unable to perform to my athletic capabilities. As a rational person, I know this makes zero sense and makes me sound unhinged, but I was just so angry at myself. I woke up today for my 6 am training resolutely promising myself today would be a better day.
I don’t think I have ever cried from physical pain, not even when I tore my whole knee apart and blew 4 ligaments, but the emotional pain at wanting to be better always seems to get me. I put in the hours and the hard work and I feel as if the result aren’t happening fast enough. I want to be better dammit, and it kills me when I come up short. I feel like Veruca Salt, a whiny brat clamoring about wanting things now and immediately. I am often told my lack of patience is one of my major character flaws, and they are probably right (and by they, I mean a certain bearded fellow who shall remain nameless, ha). I just wish there were more hours in the day where I can really focus on honing my craft. I can’t sacrifice the minimal sleep I’m already getting as I’m sure the ratio of blood to pure caffeinated hatred coursing through my veins is at an all time high. (Speaking of which, praise whoever invented the new Starbucks Nitro Brew, because oh boy, am I in strong black coffee heaven with that one.)
I know if I keep putting in the work, eventually the results will speak for themself. I gotta stop trying to force everything to be immediately noticeable, that’s not how it works. Time really does seem to drag on when you are anxiously awaiting something, yet when you are vehemently stressed, time seems to speed up and quicken at a rapid pace. Again with the ebb and flow of life. Life giveth and life taketh away. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but oh how I wish I had the power to quicken the process. A watched pot never boils, but my cup runneth over with the effort it takes to fill. I began weekly yoga recently and I’m hoping that helps me find my zen and understand that this journey is a marathon and not a sprint. I know years from now I will look back and wonder how everything seemed to pass with the blink of an eye, even though right now it feels like slowly peeling off a band-aid, the adhesive tugging on every single arm hair, sporadically pulling them out one by one until you forget about the original wound in the first place. Time to nut up and rip off life’s band-aid in one fell swoop.
We learn lessons everyday; about life, about ourselves, about our loved ones, and about how we navigate the path that we are hurtling towards. I will never be too above thinking I’m knowledgeable to the max on any subject, but instead, find that I am always willing to learn and grow. Eventually I will accumulate enough knowledge and skill of whatever it is I am trying to achieve and things will eventually fall into place. Until then, I must take a deep breath and enjoy the journey, because it is entirely my own. No more calling myself stupid, or dumb, or unloveable. I am worthy of all of those things whether I am having a rough day or not. I will learn to be patient with myself and allow the mistakes to help me learn and grow instead of halt and inhibit. Someday, everything will make sense, Until then, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, motivate during the frustrations, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason. Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in your mind. It doesn’t make you any less worthwhile, for the seed that struggles beneath the dirt is not stupid for not establishing its roots as quickly as the others. Perhaps it just needs a change in soil or more nurturing hands, and once it pushes through the sunlight, it will appreciate its warmth most of all.
