Honestly, I can’t be the only person out there who goes through periods of time where it feels like nothing I do is good enough. I am struggling on the mats and I am struggling in life and I just can’t seem to make things work. I try so hard, and sometimes I just hit chunks of my life where I can’t make other people happy or even myself happy and everything I do fails to please. I flounder on the mats and can’t seem to string sequences together, consistently getting smashed because nothing I do is clicking. I feel weak and unskilled and wondering why my passing is subpar and my submissions aren’t finishing and why I can’t seem to escape the positions I am in and eventually succumbing to defeat. I know it’s not expected to be perfect all the time, but I do expect myself to suck less, especially with all the work I am putting in. I often feel undeserving of my rank or level and I just want to keep pushing just to be better. I detest mediocrity, and even more, I loathe feeling like I am not reaching my maximum potential, and I just inherently and internally struggle so much with these feelings of inadequacy.
And then there is life. Dammit, I am trying, but often I feel like I am not doing a good enough job. I am not a good girlfriend, or daughter, or sister, or “parent.” I am not a good coach or competitor. I am just not good enough. I hate this voice inside my head that tells me all these horrible things about me and laughs at me for failing or losing and being undeserving of love. Even more so, I hate myself for listening to this voice and believing these things to be true. Right now I don’t even know what’s worse; people calling me champion when I have yet to earn that accolade or people telling me I will never be a champion. All I want to do is to just be better at everything. The harder we try, the more it pierces our fucking hearts when what we do fails, falls short, or goes unnoticed. And it kills me to put in so much time towards various tasks and still not be where I want to be. Quitting is not in my vocabulary, but the phrase ‘crying myself to sleep’ currently is.
I don’t know how to shake this negativity casting a shadow over my mind like a looming eclipse. I feel like it’s clawing at my chest trying to drag me into the depths of a desolate abyss, clamoring with the haunting reminders of inadequacy. When I am in these funks, any little critique, even if said in a joking manner, feels like a searing cut on my flesh, but instead of blood cascading from a physical wound, a waterfall of tears spill from my eyes. Especially when it’s from a family member, or someone I hold dear, or anyone I revere, admire, and respect. If you have ever watched me fight, you have seen me take a hit and keep on coming, never looking away, and despite the ensuing wreckage, never relenting to the blows. Then there’s the version of me who’s heart is as fragile as a glass crystal, incredibly easy to shatter and break. I hate that side of me, because the vulnerability makes me feel weak. I want to be this badass warrior who doesn’t let anything effect her demeanor, and I hate myself when I fall prey to the human trait of empathy.
Since this last fight, I expected people to lose hope or their belief in me, but it didn’t make the situation any less painful. I have lost sponsorships, fans, and training opportunities. I see the loss of respect in some people’s eyes and I worry about people no longer wanting to learn from me or believing that I have knowledge to impart on this sport because of the mistakes I have made. I wonder how many out there (wrongfully) have lost faith that I won’t come back and prevail. It kills me the opportunities that have been taken from me since earning this defeat and especially the mockery and ridicule that coincides. I even very stupidly got upset after noticing people removing me from their social media accounts, one person even removing me after having to cancel a private lesson immediately after the fight as my eye was swollen shut and I was unable to drive, despite still offering to pay. Instead, I got no reply and a removal from their page without any explanation in a very professional manner (sarcasm.) I’m even getting blocked from people who have never met me, which just ends up being their loss because honestly, I am a peach, But I remind myself that no matter what you do there will be people out there who do not like you, some who are even rooting for you to fail, but I will always remember those who supported me in my lows so they can celebrate with me during my highs. The whole world can toss me aside, but I won’t ever stop believing in me.
What I’ve really noticed, is how the negativity and nastiness is ever so prevalent with adults, but kids who aren’t taught hate or experience negativity are the most supportive group there is. They still want to learn from me and think I’m pretty cool for fighting, even wanting to be like me. That’s probably one of the best feelings there is, no matter how undeserving I feel of their admiration. My training on Monday had been miles better than it has been in awhile, and I hope that means I am turning over a new leaf. Yet in my mind, their is still that nagging voice interrupting my thoughts to whisper incessantly in my ear that I will never be good enough no matter how much I try at whatever task I am doing. Am I good enough to deserve this love? Am I worthy of my family? Will I forever be haunted about doing so well in other competitions but never being good enough to be champion? I don’t know. All I know is every day I wake up will be a chance for me to prove to myself that I can do this. If I am lucky enough to open my eyes every morning, I won’t let that day go to waste, but I will continue to clamor my way out of the desolate trenches of this overcast feeling and keep grinding until I get my moment in the sun.
I’m happy to see everyone and anyone doing well; getting married, having children, winning competitions, excelling in their careers etc. It took many years for me to learn to celebrate others and not revel in envy. I know one day I will have my chance at the above and I promise I won’t ever forget what it was like to get so close and be unable to reach what I set out to do. I choose to focus on the positive, because if I truly listened to the naysayers screaming in my ear how much I suck on a daily basis, then I wouldn’t be able to face another day. Now if I could just get my own inner demons to shut up, I’d be doing much better. Everyday I must keep working hard to get better and remind myself I am strong enough, I am talented enough, I am resilient enough, and I am good enough. I have lost a battle, but I will win the war. Many people who taste failure quit, but I have tasted it and learned it is not for palate. If anything, I’m famished and hungrier than ever.
