Wash, Rinse, Repeat

I remember watching a tv show when I was younger and hearing the characters talk about being “stuck in a rut.” I thought this was such an old people saying, because life was an adventure every day as a kid. What do you mean you’re life isn’t exciting anymore and you’re just doing the exact same thing day in and day out? Getting up, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, and going to bed. I also never understood how you could end up being in a rut when you’re in a relationship until I grew up and realized too many people commit to relationships with the wrong people and stay far too long until the resentment builds to insurmountable levels. Humans, unlike other animals, require intimacy and passion and friendship in their different relationships in life in order to thrive. It’s like a plant that never leaves it’s pot; it’s not that the plant will simply do well in a bigger environment, it’s that if the plant never leaves its singular pot, it will wither and die.

There are many things in life that can anchor you to certain points, and carry you to the underbellies of the most cavernous deaths. All of a sudden, you’re drowning under the weight and darkness of a life you never once imagined, all because you were too afraid of being alone or not following the exact trajectory you had initially envisioned for yourself. Whether that means trapped in a loveless marriage because finances and family commitments have you tethered down. Or stuck at a dead-end job because you’ve got mouths to feed and can’t risk the chance that leaving in pursuit of a better opportunity won’t pan out. Now you’re stuck in a relentless cycle of monotony, with nothing to enthrall your brain to aspire to.

My biggest fear was to commit my life to someone and end up decades later regretting that resolve. Many times, people make rash decisions or life-long choices based off of emotions like loneliness, and it kind of forces their hand into certain situations. You don’t want to grow old by yourself, and therefore turn a blind eye to that nagging voice in the back of your mind that says this is all wrong. Or you planned to be married and have a family by a certain age, so you convince yourself someone is right for you when you know that’s not the case. A lot of times, there are numerous red flags in a relationship that get ignored before marriage because the good times make you forget about any of the bad. Or you are content with your partner, and therefore try to justify a mediocre marriage. You don’t have to be at each other’s throats for something to be considered a bad relationship. Sometimes you just end up being with a person for so long, that you don’t really know life without them. Or you convince yourself that you spent so much time building this relationship that you don’t want to consider it a failure to end things.

I never wanted to be the person who 10 years after being married, would come home from work or being out, and sit in my car in the driveway for lengths of time because I dreaded walking through those doors. Nothing will drive you to depression faster than being stuck in a relationship where there is no passion, no fire, and no joy in being with that other person. When it begins to feel like a chore and an obligation more than a prize, that’s when it should be over. I knew if I was going to get married, I wanted to be sure it was to not only my very best friend in the whole world, but to the person I found most attractive above all else. Camaraderie and passion. Resentment only builds, never dissipates, and if you start a relationship resenting little things about the person, but convince yourself that it’s fine and that’s just how life is, you will be miserable down the road.

I am at the age where I see those fears come to fruition in other people. I see marriages fail, relationships crumble, and people be miserable trying to tough it out to “stay for the kids.” I hate to break it, but kids are smart, and they always know. Not only that, but having them bear witness to either misery in relationships or unhealthy situations sets the precedent for their future and they are more likely to emulate these same scenarios. Children deserve to see their parents happy, even if that means not being with each other. Life is far too short to stay in a terrible relationship or to be with someone because the alternative is deemed far too scary. Sure, there is a rough and tumultuous patch while things first take place, but then years down the road you will look back and be so glad you did it and took the plunge on those initial first steps.

I am not writing this blog wishing for the dissolution of your relationships or to tell you that you should get out now. But maybe if this was something you were considering, this is your sign. My husband always tells people about the ‘crabs in a bucket theory’’; which is the mentality where if you surround yourself with the wrong people, they will pull you down when you are trying to succeed to bigger and better things. You can’t be in a bucket with your biggest opps or secret haters. Every time he talks about this theory, someone breaks off their relationship. If there is anyone in your circle who watches everything you do and pays attention to all of your posts on social media, but never interacts, I promise you they are a secret hater teeming with jealousy. Some don’t even realize that they are married to a secret hater.

Basically, I am just saying that life is too short to never sever those ties because you’re scared of being alone or afraid that you will fail. Sometimes it takes a few tries before we bounce back on our feet again. If you’re wondering why your light has dulled so much these past few years, take a look at the people you interact with frequently, and the person you are sharing your life with. Just because they are a nice person, or they aren’t mean to you, does not mean you have a good relationship. Sometimes people grow apart, and that’s okay too. Not everything is meant to be forever. And if you do find the right person, I promise you it will feel unlike any other thing you have experienced before. Take the risk, take chance, make a change, and break away from the monotonous rut before you doom yourself.