Broken Heart in Martial Arts

My feelings as they pertain to Jiu Jitsu are going to vary slightly from the patron who attends these schools being that I am coming from the perspective of a gym owner. This is my full-time job, and rather than working a 9-5 all day and then coming to Jiu Jitsu to blow off steam, I am dedicating a metric ton of my waking hours into all things gym related. From the website, to merchandise, to memberships, and even cleaning practices and laundering the towels (we provide towel service and showers to all of our members, free of charge). I have also been ingrained to put my all into everything I do and work extremely hard, as the determination and dedication is deep within my being. I never missed weight in both my amateur and professional fighting career, I always put in countless hours toward cardio and nutrition that those at my gym never even saw, and I still made sure everything else in my life was handled and taken care of. All this to say that I give everything I have into my gym and all of our students, and I find it so difficult not to take things personally when people stop training or leave our academy.

Fortunately, I wouldn’t consider this a common situation by any stretch of the imagination, but occasionally it does happen. My husband, who has been in the small business owner game and Jiu Jitsu life for much longer than I have is much better at separating facts from his emotions and understands the realities of any situation when it comes to the business. For me, this business is so much a part of me and like my family, that I have suffered bouts of depression when instances arise. I am trying to get better at not taking things personal, but as someone who works so tirelessly at ensuring the best academy for all of our students to train at, it really hurts deeply and I view it as a personal failure on my behalf if we lose anybody. After all, it must be me, as my husband is without a doubt the best; exceptionally genuine and skilled and always makes sure to be there for his students no matter how far he might have to travel. It’s why people reach out to him with opportunities such as giving a private lesson to Maynard James Keenan and then providing him with tickets to his Sessanta Tour right up front by the stage. It’s crazy that our membership numbers have greatly increased and our school has grown so much that we even needed to expand, but I will always lie awake at night thinking about the handful of students we have lost.

Sometimes, people you really grow to care about move away, and while this sucks, it is never a reflection on myself as I know this is out of my hands. In fact, I love to see photos of them continuing their lifelong journey in martial arts and training wherever the road may take them. And then sometimes people leave to train elsewhere, either thinking the grass may be greener only to find out the parched brush of land was nothing more than a dehydrated mirage. Vastly different than going to train elsewhere to seek out a different style or atmosphere, especially when someone has already given so much. Maybe it’s because I place loyalty and integrity above almost any other trait, that I am shocked at anybody who is willing to jump from gym to gym because they know they will be ranked up quicker. But perhaps the one that saddens me the most, is when someone who is growing so much in the sport, and has improved an incredible amount already, just decides one day to stop training. Things got hard, bodies got sore, frustrations took hold, and then all of a sudden, quitting took place.

We all have always heard about the ‘blue belt blues,’ but the truth is, stereotypes exist for a reason. At white belt you know almost nothing, and the goal is truly just to survive. Then you get that brand spankin’ new shiny blue belt, and are shocked to discover you are not suddenly demolishing everyone with a lesser rank. I even tell some of our newer blues that I know it may not feel like they’re improving, but I am actually having to do so much more to counter them because they’re doing a lot better than before. I can no longer give them an inch because they take a mile and people are no longer going super easy with them. Even the white belts who went from not understanding the mechanics behind a proper shrimp, all of a sudden able to move well after weeks of hard work, and then they just stop showing up. So gung-ho in the beginning to then abruptly ceasing their attendance or slowly dwindling away. It makes me want to scream “Don’t you know how much better you were getting! You were proving time and time again that you were meant to be here and deserved to take up space on our mats!” It really does make me so upset to watch that potential squandered.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Jiu Jitsu has the potential to be for everyone, but it is not for everyone. Sometimes you can tell from the get-go when someone starts that they won’t be in it for the long haul. And then sometimes, if you’re like me, you are utterly shocked and even devastated when others quit. I have seen Jiu Jitsu improve more lives than I can count, I have seen people become better humans for challenging themselves in the sport, and I have even seen it save lives too. The benefits to your health, the relationships you forge, and the people who truly become family. I can’t help feeling like it’s losing a family member when someone stops training. I get it, I know it’s hard on the body, hard on the mind, and even in some cases, hard on the wallet. The majority of instructors I know are always willing to help in some fashion or another. We do this out of love, not money, and so many gym owners will work with you on your skills to feel more confident not sacrificing your body, or they will sit and talk with you as you work through stuff, or they will even suspend payment and still allow you to train so that financial hardships aren’t keeping you off the mats. Please talk to your instructors and owners, and you will see how many out there truly want to help. I will continue to try and be better about not getting my feelings hurt when and if this happens. I am tired of this broken heart in martial arts.