Sometimes I am having conversations with my friends lately, then all of a sudden I am hit abruptly with the realization that we are collectively getting up there in age. It’s crazy how much I used to scrutinize my appearance instead of cherishing that youthful, and cherubic skin with only mild aches and pains. And, while sure, I am not keeled over by Father Time, my knee would beg to differ as it is far from unscathed and pretty much just a source of extreme pain and discomfort these days. And then I am also slapped with the reality of how fleeting life can be. As embarrassing it is to admit, I have been consumed with horrific thoughts of death, dying, grief, and destruction these days. I work myself into a frenzy and have even needed to self-medicate from the panic attacks my brain has caused from automatically envisioning the world’s worst case scenario. Perhaps I haven’t been as cured from my OCD as I once previously thought. Why do I imagine myself suffering catastrophe, and thinking about life and all of it one day just being gone? It’s really starting to bum me out.
I know I am supposed to live in the moment, but try telling my brain that. I am glad I am married to such a rational man who can help ground me back down to reality here on earth. I just hate how there is no rhyme or reason to anything that we do, and even if you’re a good person, your life isn’t always good. So try as I might, I will continue to do my best at embracing each day as it comes, and truly live in the moment. There are far too many wonderful people, reaching the end of their adolescence, who have their lives tragically cut short at the cusp of adulthood. I am lamenting over no longer being 25 anymore when there are many people who would give anything to see their children and their loved ones even reach that age. I have got to stop dwelling on worst-case scenarios and what-if situations and start rejoicing in the here and now. After all, we are technically all just living on borrowed time.
As we get ready to embark on another trip to Las Vegas to compete in Master’s Worlds, I remember my times of flying out there to support, but being too young to compete in those divisions and having to do the Con instead. My body hurt less, and my competitors were young and spry, albeit a bit less seasoned. Now I am eligible for my 3rd Masters division ever. Time just simply keeps on trucking no matter how often you wish it would just stand still. As I continue to reflect on the years speeding by, I will leave you with this little poem I wrote as I realize how quick life truly moves. Sure, it’s my third masters, but I am hoping, one of many, many, many more to follow. How lucky it is to continue to be able to do them.
Yesterday, I was 25
I blinked; and then the time flew by.
Yesterday, I was 25
Life was fast, and so was I.
Unsure of my direction, or of what path to take.
Navigating through some loss, suffering heartbreak.
Excited for my future, and what may lay ahead.
Drowning in my bills, yet working hard instead.
I’d look into the mirror, and youth would smile at me.
My reflection now more withered, at my age of 33.
Yesterday, I was 25
So full of hope, I felt alive!
Yesterday, I was 25
And then my body, took a dive.
I used to run for miles, and workout twice a day.
Now I can’t turn my neck, if I sleep the wrong way.
I know I’m not that old, but my body’s racked up pain.
One too many broken knees, a muscle tear, a sprain.
I was in my fitness peak and prime, never did I balk.
And now I creak with every step, wincing as I walk.
Yesterday, I was 25
Beautiful, and full of life!
Yesterday I was 25
So carefree! So un-shy!
My days of beauty, now long gone; society says I’m old.
“You look good, for your age” stings every time it’s told.
Heads used to turn when I’d walk by, I’d get compliments so fast.
I’m now ignored and barely seen, no flirtations when I’d go past.
Dark circles for my eyes, a winkle here and there.
I swear I wake up every day, with another silver hair.
Yesterday, I was 25
So naive! Wondering why.
Yesterday, I was 25
My future such a far-sought cry.
Though my body feels much different, and I look much more forlorn.
I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, of all the scars I’ve worn.
My youth is now behind me, but again so’s my self doubt,
WIth age comes wisdom, confidence; I’ve learned what life’s about.
I’m no longer 25, but aging I’ll no longer fear.
I’ve lost loved ones still in their youth, so now I cherish each full year.
As the years go by, another chapter fills, I turn another page.
Living in each moment, loving life; what a privilege it is to age!
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