Gossip Queen

An unfortunate reality I have had to learn lately, is that I can not control the opinions people form about me from the lies they are told by disingenuous people. I’ve run into a conundrum lately, where I have found myself being shunted by people I thought I had a lovely and cordial and even friendly relationship with, only to be recently met with an upturned nose. It turns out in one of those instances, it is because of a toxic person, who did not like me, and seems to possess a great super power of manipulation. They have used this influence over their minions to consort with others about vitriolic gossip and slander in order to band together in a universal dislike. I am of course, utterly heartbroken over the assassination of my character. I understand universal popularity is a far fetched dream, but should people choose to not like to me, I want to it to be because of truth rather than falsehood and lies. I would rather be hated for who I am, than liked for what I am not. And on the flip side of that, I would wholly appreciate anyone to formulate their own opinions of me based off of facts and truths and things that actually happened. It’s a dangerous world when people choose to believe the words of gossip versus discovering the truth for themselves. In fact, if you look throughout the course of history, wars were often started for this very same reason.

Almost everyone has an instance of someone not liking them based off of things they have been told. I’d much rather it be for a reason, even if the reason is just “I don’t like their face,” than for someone to not like me because so-and-so claimed I said something that conflated me to a soulless bitch. And while I have definitely made mistakes in this life that have caused some soured and negative opinions of me, I have always tried my best to own up to those errors and apologize. And at least understood that those opinions were at least warranted. To be perfectly honest, even if a perfect stranger chooses to not like me or think some horrible thoughts about me, I can live with it. Sure, it’s not my favorite, but it doesn’t grate on every molecule in my brain making me feel lower than dirt. No, it is the people I have already formulated somewhat jovial relationships with, who I can now feel growing rather distant, not responding to my prior outreaches of communication, and even throwing darting and scathing looks my way? Why? I wish they would just come up and talk to me, because how many problems could be resolved by an inkling of proper communication. I have even in the past, gaslit myself into thinking this was all in my head, only to abruptly find out that someone did believe a rumor and went from camaraderie to hatred all based off of an untrue opinion someone else experienced.

One instance that comes to mind, and though I hate bringing it up because I just want to let it go and stop haunting my thoughts, is when people I thought were my friends lied directly to me, left the gym, and slandered my name. I was preparing for an MMA fight, that I get paid professionally to do, but wanted to be a good teammate, so I threw on a gi and helped them prepare for a tournament they had to pay to compete in. I took time away from my no-gi fight training to help, and was told they would without a doubt help me, their friend and teammate, upon their return. Only to be lied to directly, as I received a message via text from the opposite end of the country that they never had plans of returning, and would be going elsewhere. I definitely would have been upset, but more-so after the blatant lies. And then while I was backstage for my fight, came across a video from what I thought was a friend, who I always supported in the past, calling me a bad leader and detrimental to women in the sport of Jiu Jitsu and I would be the reason my gym failed. The specific word choice and vocabulary used was almost direct quotes I had admitted to my ‘friends’ about my biggest fear. I was always worried I would never be good enough to lead, and only wanted to be a positive influence and exceptionally welcoming to all the women who trained at my gym. It felt like a thousand knives stabbed me in the back and I had to wipe my tears away to step into the cage and fight. I wish I could say I mustered up my courage and strength and pulled off a win, but sadly, I was reminded all to quickly that I am human, and emotions impact me and my performance.

I wish more than anything that this person would have talked to me before making such a hurtful video, as I am sure they didn’t know about the lies and sacrifices. And I hope to one day discuss that, but for now, I just got to keep pushing forward. My husband is a great reminder for me to keep being who I am and doing the right thing, even when it is far from easy. He says the truth will always come to light and people will know the content of my character. I know I am not remotely perfect by any means, but I can guarantee that I will often do my best to be selfless and magnanimous for my friends, my team, and my family. I will never relish in the losses of others, regardless of my opinion of them, and I will always be happy for my friends who triumph victoriously, even on the days that I, myself, fell short in competition. A wish I could say sadly did not apply for those former teammates, as envy often creeped deep into their hearts. Now I know that it is not my circus, not my monkeys, and I can no longer preoccupy myself with the emotions and thoughts of others. It just truly sucks when people choose to believe fictitious fairytales rather than the sought after truth. Perhaps it is the journalist in me, but I always wait to come to my own conclusions based off of the things I personally hear, see, witness, and experience.

So I guess if you’re reading this and decide to not like me because of the things I choose to write about, well, at least those opinions are based in actuality. Or maybe you’re reading this and want to reach out to me about something. I welcome it, I embrace it, and I invite you to my always open inbox. I believe that communication is the single greatest asset to any relationship, and it is the number one reason I trust in the strength of my marriage. Our communication is so thorough, open, and honest, that there is never any harboring over resentment or anxiety over discussions. I could not commend my husband enough for this. Which is why I will always sing his praises directly to him and even to others when he is not around. A lesson I should have taken from the aforementioned individuals who did nothing but trash talk their significant others and even articulate some harshly mean hashtags about them when they weren’t around to defend themselves. Should have been my first clue that if someone is so willing to speak negatively of those they supposedly ‘love,’ they are probably doing it about an insignificant little speck like me too. Pay attention to the way others treat people around you, and it will reveal a lot. And of course I was too weak to speak up, out of fear I would be the next target of mean girls who never outgrew high school behavior, something I still deeply regret. If I am to be hated or disliked, it should be because of that, and my unwillingness to step in when lines were crossed out of desperation to be included and part of a clique. But I did learn a valuable lesson, and I would rather make time for everyone, and not be anyone’s ‘favorite’ person because I am exceptionally amicable with all, with zero exclusionary tendencies. Forever a wolf queen, and never a gossip queen.