Manifest Destiny

Lately, I have been feeling like I have been battling the constant turmoil of an existential crisis. I keep hearing all of these things about manifesting positive energy and goals into the universe, but I am having such trouble believing that there is a higher power or spiritual influences that can alter our paths and our futures. Maybe I am just thinking about things too logically instead of just a blind belief that things will all work out in the end. I don’t know if I am just simply too jaded by seeing some truly awful, evil people skate through life without the juxtaposition of justice or revenge. Where is the supposed karma that is supposed to take place? Or what about the truly wonderful and benevolent people out there that have tragedy after tragedy befell them, with woes and agonies a mile high and whom perpetually suffer despite all of the goodness that they accrue and all of the lives that they touch? Sure, there are sayings about everything happening for a reason or karmic retribution of what goes around comes around. But there are also sayings such as ‘only the good die young’ and about life not being fair. So truly, what is it?

The more years you have on this earth, the more injustices you bear witness to. But you also end up witnessing fantastic feats that are nothing short of miracles. But to me, it makes no sense who the receivers of each these happenstances are. There is no rhyme or reason to why things happen the way that they do, and sometimes you can prepare and plan for every detail, and catastrophe can strike regardless, without making any sense. Kind of reminds me of the origin story of Bruce Banner turning into The Hulk in the 1977 tv series. He was haunted by not being able to save his wife from a burning vehicle when other people such as small women or tiny children were able to accomplish incredible feats of strength. It drove him mad that he wasn’t able to save her but others had been able to gather the strength to save their loved ones, and the unfairness of it all drove him to the radioactive incident that caused him to be able to transform into the Incredible Hulk. Sometimes I wonder if I am too busy obsessing over the things I haven’t been able to do and that others can will lead into me catastrophically transforming into some gargantuan green beast, figuratively of course.

I know that life can always change in the blink of an eye, and it often does not make sense, so there is no point obsessing over it. Still, I have often heard of self-fulfilling prophecies or manifesting great things to happen to you and speak it into existence. Saturday, I kept putting positive energy into the world, and I seemed to be having quite a fantastic day in regard to competition and just daily life. But that evening, I was hit with the worst migraine of my existence, leaving me uncontrollably vomiting, delirious, and in excruciating and debilitating pain that sent me to my knees and almost to the hospital. So much for manifesting good things to happen to you when that was by far the worst pain I had ever endured, and I have had some pretty gruesome injuries and gnarly accidents to date. Of course all this does is cast serious doubts that simply speaking and believing these things is enough. Perhaps if there is some sort of higher power, they are laughing at the chaos and frivolity I am thrusting myself into.

I also wonder often about everyone and everything. I am exceptionally empathetic, but in a way that I keep that part of my emotional self shoved deep down inside of me, rather than wearing it on my sleeves. This often causes me to have insanely vivid dreams directly related to my subconscious and and how not allowing myself to explore these thoughts and emotions during my waking life forces my sleep state to confront them head on. Because of these detailed and often traumatizing dreams, I often never wake up feeling well-rested, but rather like I can easily delve back into my slumber and try to reach a more nourishing REM cycle. You might think it’s cool to have such vivid and detailed dreams, but I absolutely hate it. Often, they are quite terrifying and paralyzing, rather than calm or relaxing. I am often agitated while I sleep, in states of high stress and disarray, and this impedes my body’s recovery when it comes to replenishing my needs after long training days. I wonder what my destined plans actually are? And if anything I do can alter them in any way or if what is truly meant to be will occur regardless.

At the end of the day, I guess I just have a hard time conceptualizing how vast the universe really is and what has led us all to be right here right now. Does every person we have come in contact with serve a purpose? Or is it just pure coincidence? Do we all really need to learn all those hard lessons that come with suffering different pains and heartbreaks? Or will we become the person we were always meant to be no matter what happens to us or effects us in the long run? I so badly wish I was able to take away the pain that those who are truly good in this world must endure. But don’t be fooled, I am not without sin. Because the same person that wants to alleviate the hurt from the good people in the world also wants to help dole out the justice and revenge to the wrong-doers as well. Sometimes, karma never comes for them but I so badly want Sam to greet them in its place and dish out their just desserts. I know as sure as the world keeps spinning bad things will continue to happen to good people and sometimes bad people will still avoid retribution. Just gotta keep doing my best in spite of what else transpires and hope that somehow, some way, that is enough.