I’m tired of society thinking you have to conform to one narrative to be beautiful. I have a half-shaved head, a muscular frame, gnarled fingers & toes, cauliflower ears, and am usually spotting some type of gi burn or bruising and when I tell you I have never in my life felt more beautiful than I do currently. I am in love with my body and all the things I am capable of. I know others would rather fling themselves off the nearest cliff than to look like me, but that’s fine. Because I love me, and I’m lucky enough to have a partner who loves me as well (and I know for a fact that my husband finds me hella sexy). I just wish I had this level of self-assurance in my formative adolescent and teen years. The period of my life when I was the most insecure and most ashamed of my appearance and had me questioning my self-worth almost every day. Should there have been even one disparaging comment on my appearance, it would have sent me spiraling down a cascade of depression emotions and embarrassment at the way I looked and wondering why I couldn’t be like the beautiful women I saw on social media. Now, all I want to be is just like me and I am so much happier for thinking this way.
Honestly, if I could change anything about the way I look, it would have nothing to do with my physical form, but only how I could alter any parts of my body that are causing me great pain. Like the degenerative discs in my spine and neck or the bone-on-bone arthritis in my knee. But I am so very proud of all of the things my body is capable of, that the battered and scarred appearance seems like a fair trade. You can definitely take one look at me and see that I have put my body through the trenches over the years, but it is because I have accomplished great things. I will not be left wondering on my deathbed about all the ‘what-if’ scenarios and the physical capabilities I could have accomplished if I had just pushed my limits and worked past the fear of what physical toll it would have on my body. I still love watching all of the beautiful girly videos on Reels and Tok Tok of the gorgeous ladies doing their hair, and makeup, and stunning outfits. I guess the irony is that often times, I am watching them while sweating my buns off on the treadmill at the gym. But it seems a small price to pay to be able to positively impact so many others.
It really doesn’t hurt my self-esteem in any way that I have somehow landed a husband who even when I wake up all groggy in the mornings, hair askew and acne patches strewn across my face, he takes one look at me and goes “Good morning my beautiful baby. My wife is so gorgeous.” So yeah, I am pretty spoiled. Truth be told, his is the only opinion that matters to me anyway, so the snide remarks from strangers or poisonous vitriol from online trolls does nothing to deter me. The other day, I was at the store and actually trying on some real clothes besides my staple of sports attire or token sweatpants. I remember looking in the mirror and cracking up at what I deemed ‘Lumberjack Steve’ in a sequined tube top. But rather than be upset by my reflection, I was positively giddy with joy. It took me almost a decade to cultivate this body at the gym and I am so proud. It took me even longer (approximately 3 decades) to truly love myself and the person staring back at me. I remember being with my friends in high school and bursting into tears at the sight of myself in the dressing room mirrors trying on clothes, and now, it is nothing but smiles. I have come so far. And you best believe I will stay flexing in whatever fancy-schmancy dress I end up adorning for my next date night.
I remember reading an article in my teens in one of those ‘lady’ magazines like J-14 or Cosmogirl, and one of the interviewers was asking women, I believe minor celebrities in the spotlight, when they felt most beautiful. I still remember the answers being stuff like “when I freshly wax my legs, ” or “when I come back from the beach with a slight pink hue to my cheeks,” or “after nailing my meetings at work.” And that last one really stuck out to me. It had nothing to do with appearance, but with action, and especially such an Alpha boss of an action. I know that personally, I feel most beautiful when I feel strong, usually after a dominant practice in the gym and on the mats, sweating from the effort of working so damn hard and prevailing. And the one physical attribute that adds to this is especially when I have recently shaved the sides of my head where I no longer grow my hair so it is right down to my scalp. So much of women’s beauty is attributed to anything dainty and feminine, i.e., their hair, or silhouette. But artist India Arie had song after song that spoke to me that made me realize I am more than my hair, more than the skin I am in, that my worth is not determined by my physical looks, and that no matter how I chose to make my appearance, God made no mistakes and I will always be a beautiful queen. Music always speaks to the soul in ways that ordinary average words can’t seem to penetrate until you attach a soulful voice and harmony.
Even in our bulky gis, we are strong, beautiful, dominant women on the mats. From the brand new white belt just figuring out how great it is to be heavy pinning others down to the seasoned black belts with eyebrow scars from accidental headbutts and calloused, thick skin adorning her body. No words demoralizing me or calling me ugly can effect the love and admiration I now have for myself. My only regret is not feeling this way sooner, because this power was within me all along, but I am grateful for possessing these thoughts now. Women are such capable, beautiful, and powerful beings. Bearing the burden of carrying the children and growing the population, handling the balance of taking care of a household, dominating at work, and now garnering world titles and drawing a crowd of mixed company to watch them eagerly do work on the mats and in the cage. To think there was ever a time I doubted the things I could do because of the way I look truly baffles me, as nowadays I fully understand what a force to be reckoned with that I am. I am strong. I am powerful. I am dominating. I am encouraging. I am capable. I am worthy. And hell yeah, I am damn beautiful too.
