A sea of sameness all around, and it’s the uniqueness in our constitutions that differentiates us all and sets us apart from the next. The things that distinguished me from a crowd when I was young and insecure and filled me with embarrassment and shame when all I wanted more than anything was to blend in. Now that I am older and somewhat wiser, I appreciate every single one of my quirks that keeps me from being just another dime a dozen mediocrity. Maybe that’s why I’ve doused my head in a fiery crimson red dye or shaved off half of it. But I know for certain that I would not have been caught dead looking like this in my teens. I longed to look like your average every day girl, the one that blended seamlessly into the shadows of normalcy and never stood apart. Nowadays, I’d consider it such a travesty to be considered the type of everyday woman whom people forget about the second you leave the room because what kind of life have you lived if you haven’t left a lasting impact on at least one person? I’m not saying I will touch the hearts of millions of people and have the world know my name, but man if there is at least 5 people I have uniquely impacted, I know my existence was more than worthwhile.
It’s crazy how our perceptions on things change and adapt over time, and our viewpoints and ideologies change with the circumstances around us. I was once too shy to allow my voice to be heard, out of the fear of being seen too vulnerable or the worries of judgments and harsh criticisms from strangers. Even just a few short years ago, one mean or disparaging comment on a social media post would have had me spiraling down the hellscapes of depression. Now, put a keyboard in my hand and I will type until my fingers fall off about every vulnerable thought I possess and not waste time wondering what others may think. And no ‘mean’ online comment ever gets to me because with have learned that these comments never come from anyone doing more than you. They always come from intimidated and weak people. Confidence is quiet, but insecurity screams loudly. I never thought I would get to the point where a random stranger’s remark has zero hold over my mentality, but now that I am here, it is truly the most freeing and stress-free feeling imaginable.
We transform our minds so much over time, that it’s crazy to me the permanent decisions we make in our youth that have lasting effects for our futures. College freshmen at the ripe old age of 18 are meant to choose classes that align with their future career path in the corporate world when just a few months prior they couldn’t even go to the bathroom without raising their hand for permission. You are legally allowed to vote without really experiencing anything that is impacted by the political party in charge as you’ve barely been an adult. Heck, you can’t even legally drink yet. I swore up and down when I was younger that I would never tie myself down in a lifelong relationship, and here I am, happy as hell in marriage and wanted to take care of my husband forever. I swore to myself that I would always be some kind of femme fatale, and when I tell you that I absolutely adore cooking hot and fresh meals from scratch for my partner and that cleaning makes me so happy and soothes my anxiety. Normally, I would think this sets me back in the eyes of feminists, but then I remember I also choke out and punch fully grown men in the face and it helps tip the scales of female domination. Balance is key.
It’s not that I strive super hard to be different or base my entire personality on being unique, I am just no longer allowing the fear of being uninhibited rule my life. The quicker you realize that the opinions of outsiders holds no weight on your life, the happier you will be. I’ve also realized that the vast majority of people are generally good, so I can’t let a few bad apples spoil the bunch or taint the entirety of the human race as a whole. For example, if I post something on Tik Tok, 98% of the comments are on the positive side. Of the 2% that aren’t, if I reply back with an open and inquisitive mind, I usually find that the conversation can turn around to be more positive, and that there may have just been a misunderstanding taking place. Occasionally, you will come across that one miserable troll who does nothing but spew hate from behind a keyboard, but that says a lot more about them than it does about you. Take a deep breath and keep it moving.
I wish the me of today could have sent a message to my younger self that one day, things will get better and I will be much more confident and resolute and it will bring me happiness. I am glad I have finally learned to welcome with open arms the things that make me actually me, imperfections and all. I am not a drop dead gorgeous supermodel, nor am I a bland blip on the radar. I am uniquely myself and content with knowing there is no one else out there quite like me. For as long as I live, there will never be another Samantha Schell walking in my shoes and doing the exact same things I am doing. Makes me really appreciate the people in my life who have impacted me in more ways than they know simply by being themselves, even if at times they have felt awkward or embarrassed at having stood out in a certain way. Just by being you, you have left a mark on others without even fully realizing it, and it is our unique and wonderful differences that make all of us beautiful. If everything was the same, life would certainly lose its flair. Embrace those differences, and appreciate your individuality.
