I have come to the recent conclusion that I must have been a child murderer in a past life, or at least something as equally awful, because as of late, I can’t seem to catch a break, at least from a competition standpoint. Between irreverent calls at major IBJJF competitions, a number of opponents lacking any modicum of integrity, shady promotions, and overall anything besides a smooth path forward, I’m starting to question how shitty of a person I actually am. After all, the one common denominator between all of these misfortunes is me. I have always been a firm believer in what goes around comes around, so I have been scouring my past actions and self-reflecting in depth to determine where it is where I have wronged someone or done something so reprehensible, that despite my hardest efforts, athletic success will always elude me despite what my performance dictates. Maybe I am reaping what I sowed in my past or I am being punished for a less than benevolent way I have treated people; I’m not really sure because I am wracked with guilt if I remotely even think I caused pain for someone but at this point in my life I am almost convinced that I am a terrible person no matter how much I have always tried to do good and help others. Maybe I didn’t do it right?
One thing that I won’t ever take for granted for (and I am sure anyone who follows me on any of my social media accounts is honestly sick of hearing), is the fact that I am so deeply and irrevocably happy and in love with my number one person, my best friend, my husband, and my partner by my side through every single aspect of this life. So I guess I may have done one thing right, because I wholeheartedly believe that I can handle whatever life throws at me with John by my side. I never saw myself married, or in love, or totally content with the person I chose to spend my life with, but man, it almost makes me able to not care less about whatever else happens in my life, because with him by my side, I am always winning. It has me feeling incredibly selfish to be lamenting my woes or complaining about anything when there are so many people in this world who would give almost anything to have the type of bond and relationship with someone that my husband and I have. Would you look at that, now I am equally wracked with guilt about complaining about athletic achievements when I have my health and the love of my life both in tact. Catch-22, baby.
I keep hitting these little bumps in the road as well. Tiny tweaks and aches and pains, minor issues that seem to put a halt in my training, canceled events and appointments where the rescheduling ends up being an arduous process, and overall raising my cortisol levels exponentially. In fact, at my last doctor’s appointment, they even remarked on my cortisol levels being elevated due to stress and hammering it into my brain that this really could negatively impact my health. Then, on top of all that, I brutally smashed the end of my finger under some weights, piling on a broken finger to the heap of worrisome side quests I have going on and battling for precedence in my brain right now. I have taken on too many familial burdens and diverted my attention to worrying about so many diverse things that I understand are out of my control no matter how much time I spend worrying about them. And then my stomach winds up in knots, my head begins pounding, the welling up of tears start their formation in my eyes, and if I’m lucky, I even break out in stress hives. Don’t ever let my pictures on Instagram fool you into thinking I have my shit together, because LOL nah, fam.
Take into all of this the fact that I got into MMA because I love the hard work that goes into fighting. This wasn’t grasping at straws for any sort of fame, or notoriety, or to lean heavily into an “on-stage” persona. I have simply been an athlete my whole life and there is nothing I like more than relishing in the culmination of what can be achieved through hard work and sacrifice. When there are people involved in the sport who sully the name of female fighters, and tarnish the public’s perception of what needs to be done in order to “make it”, well, that can really have you feeling like washing your hands of the entire situation. Especially if you have some woefully pathetic people with nothing but time on their hands constantly verbally harass you and basically bully you from behind a keyboard. Part of me wants to linguistically eviscerate these poor excuses of a human being, but verbal altercations online are a waste of time and quite frankly, sad as fuck. I literally had some guy who must be battling Nick Cannon for most amount of kids by a variety of baby mommas throw every insult possible at me and my husband. Luckily slights on my appearance haven’t bothered me since high school, so I think I’ll survive. I just want to fight, and to fight fairly under legitimate organizations and professional officials but for some reason, this seems to be a lofty aspiration as of late.
So now I am typing up this blog with a painfully swollen finger, trying not to cry from the overwhelming feelings of balancing a hectic schedule and straight up bullying, and making sure I am still able to get in the training I need and fueling my body as efficiently as possible. I am truly grateful for all the things I do have in life, and don’t take any possible opportunity for granted, but I am also overwrought with feelings of despair lately, wondering why I am never good enough for that moment in the sun. It’s hard to come to terms with doing all of the right things, and still coming up short, and learning that unfairness is a part of every day life. Of course there are always people who have it worse, but that doesn’t mean the sting of your negative experiences can’t be felt with every ounce of emotion you posses. Remember, you totally have the right to feel your feelings wholly and honestly and without reprieve. In fact, I think you are doing yourself a disservice if you never allow yourself to be upset because you feel like you don’t have the right to be since others may have it worse. It is okay to be sad, just please don’t be content with staying sad. I sure as hell am not and I am back to getting after it because that’s what I do. And despite what I keep enduring, I will still do my best to do good for others and be the better person, because the karma train eventually has to be in my favor, right? If you focus on the hurt, the suffering continues, but if you focus on the lesson, you will heal and grow. I am learning a whole lot lately, and I will be patient to see what comes next.
