I guess we’re all performers in one way or another. Whether it’s our work life, or personal life, or the face that we present to the public. There is certainly a part of us that acts, even if it’s just acting like things don’t bother us or that we don’t care. Currently that’s me. I feel like this past month has been pretty grueling on me physically and also quite tough mentally and spiritually. But guess what? My opponent doesn’t care. The viewers don’t care. And even many of the people in my life don’t care. People expect a show regardless; an excellent performance, and one of worthwhile results. They don’t care about every sore muscle, swollen joint, laceration, abrasion, heartache, and turmoil leading up to the fight. They don’t wanna hear you lamenting and complaining about a difficult weight cut, or bitching about familial strife, or hearing that you recently suffered some tragic losses of friends. No. The truth is people care about what they see directly in front of them, and not whatever strife occurs behind the scenes. If you can turn it on for the cameras and keep your problems behind closed doors, well, congratulations boss, you’ve made it.
I absolutely love fighting and I relish in the type of hard work it takes. Unfortunately, I have zero control of extenuating life circumstances which always tend to throw a wrench in your path which is some fucking bullshit. Sometimes I wish I could turn off my brain for a few hours so I don’t have to think about the things causing me anguish. Or that I could tell my heart that she will be okay, and that all these travesties are temporary and will pass and I can’t let them interfere with the job at hand. But I am only human, and I definitely have my moments where I break down and feel weak and worry people will look at me in a negative light. For some reason, for me this all seems to manifest with insomniac tendencies. My sleep schedule becomes erratic and askew and I toss and turn all night, suffering from a lack of REM sleep and feeling truly recovered. Y’all know how when babies can’t talk, they cry when they are hungry or tired and cranky? Well, that’s me. Just a big dumb stupid baby that wants to cry for food or sleep.
So I continue to act like a boss ass bitch, because the word on the street is you fake it until you make it. Therefore, if I keep acting confident and strong and like nothing bothers me, maybe that will end up being true. I can’t tell you how many people have come up to me after seeing me compete all the time and just assume that I must never get nervous because this is so routine in my life. Well, that is entirely false. It is definitely not a panic-inducing, stop you in your tracks type of nerves, but everyone deals with anxiety in some form or another. I put a lot of pressure on myself to excel and exceed and am always worrying I won’t live up to expectations. So, while I do love stepping onto the mats and into the cage and the level of excitement that rushes through my veins like a euphoric catapult into the arena, I am still weighed down with some nerves. However, I will always hold my head high because no one, especially an opponent, will ever garner the satisfaction of a glimpse into my innermost thoughts as I prepare to embark in a match. That is for me and me alone and no one but myself could ever break me.
Not even the Oscar-level actors are immune from allowing themselves a reprieve where they reveal who they truly are on occasion. They can pretend with the best of them, but at some point in time, they will get caught slipping and their true self will show. Not really a big deal if your true self is still an admirable person despite whatever flaws it is that make you vulnerable and human. However, as well all know, there truly are some pieces of shit out there who are just simply remarkable at concealing their true self. I hope that one day, when I am long gone, the content of my character won’t be up for discussion and even the people who knew me in my private and personal life will be able to stand firm in who I was, even if others on the outskirts do try to vilify me. I think if you always live life in a way that tries to do good and treat others well, you won’t have to worry about the small fraction of people who will dislike you regardless. Because that’s life, and some people will not like you for seemingly no reason, but hopefully those represent the minority and not the majority.
Time to gear up and put on a face for the spotlight, because it’s one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go. Everything that happens out of the spotlight won’t effect my performance once the light shines down on me, because I am a professional and I refuse to be anything but my very best when the time comes down to it. To perform under stress and with not the most ideal of circumstances it what separates the ordinary from extraordinary and I am definitely more than ready to go. Life never has the most ideal circumstances anyway, so better I learn now how to get a handle on all of this sooner rather than later as it can only benefit me in the long run. I live for the hard work and will relish in the journey and experience it takes to get here so when the results are achieved, I could look back and reflect with both pride and satisfaction. Lights, camera, action baby.
