Reflections

What do I see when I look in the mirror? Am I happy with the woman staring back at me? Sometimes, but in different ways than I did when I was younger, and never content because I always strive to be better and do better. See, when I was younger I was incredibly self-conscious about my physical appearance. I wasn’t very nice to myself and would often degrade the way I looked in the mirror. I would sit in front of it and start picking apart my attributes, pointing out every flaw I deemed ‘ugly’ or ‘unsightly’ and longing to look like the beautiful girls in school. I hated my body as I was an incredibly late-bloomer, and it made me very aware of the types of women the boys in school lusted after. Eventually, I grew up, my body developed, and I filled out in a way that was deemed more “socially acceptable.” Although, just because my appearance matured, doesn’t mean my mentality did, and I was grappling internally with the confusion of who I was.

These days, I am far less concerned with the way I look. For one, I understand that I am much more than what my appearance is, and I am so much more than just a face or a body to look at. Secondly, I am beyond fortunate to be married to a person who tells me every day how beautiful I am and never has me questioning my worth. And lastly, I am much more focused on making sure the reflection of the person looking back at me is someone who does good for others rather than a person deemed “pretty” by the masses. I know I am not alone in wishing these were all things I knew during my formative adolescent and teenage years, where there were days upon days I would cry by my lonesome until my throat was raw and my eyes swelled shut. I cared far too much about how others viewed my appearance rather than doing things of importance, and I let other people’s opinions of me sway the ways I saw myself. I called myself ugly, boyish, undesirable, and I constantly looked for ways to improve my appearance. What a waste of time, but a lesson on what is truly valuable today.

Now, I just want to make sure that I never behave in a way that others did in my youth that made me feel so small. Growing up is hard, and I am sure with the ways social media is so rampant and in your face, that it is only harder now. Bullying doesn’t end when the school bell rings, but can follow you incessantly as the harsh words and hurtful comments and degrading messages can now assault you 24/7. I remember when there was a Myspace page created solely for the purpose of making fun of my thick eyebrows (ironically, now a physical attribute deemed desirable), and I turned to dangerous ways to help me cope with those feelings. Sometimes, I wonder what any of those people who chanted hurtful slurs my way are doing these days, but to be honest, I don’t care too much because I am so happy with how I live my life now. Sometimes people do grow up and feel shame for their past juvenile behaviors, but there are some people who grow up to be bullies their whole life. Even worse are the people who think they are good people, but have selfishly never stopped to consider how they treat people and the hurt which they cause, but instead, always assume the problem lies with others and they continue to play the victim.

I know that life is full of choices, some difficult, and some fairly easy, but all of these choices cultivate the person we become. Sometimes the difficult choices are hard on us, and lead to sacrificing our own wants and needs in lieu of the greater good. I’ve had my fair share of those, but due to the burden of ‘Jew guilt” I have been so blessed with, I could never save my own skin or achieve great things if it meant hurting others along the way. Sure, I have made mistakes, and caused more than my share of pain to others, but I’d be lying if I said those choices hadn’t haunted me almost daily and continue to render me pain as I repent for any damage I have caused to innocent people. I simply couldn’t live with myself if it meant being a selfish and conniving person to achieve my goals and dreams, and no amount of justification of why I had to do that and behave that way would ever feel like enough. I would rather be a nobody my whole life, lived kindly, honestly, and justly, than the person at the top who had no qualms about squashing people along the way just so they could reign superior.

When I look in the mirror, I see a tired and hard working individual, someone who may not always be the most well-kempt, but the person who does so much to make sure their impact on others is not in vain. The person, who no matter how many times they lose, fail, or gets hurt both physically and mentally, never stops being the person that they are trying their best. I will continue to make mistakes, and cause pain and heartache wherever I go, but I will work my hardest to eclipse all of that with the good that I intend to do and the kindness I wish to depart. There is nothing I want more than to leave the world a better place in which I found it, and if only one person is grateful for my existence, well, that is enough. I know that just like Mulan, one day my reflection truly will show who I am inside, and I will do my best to make sure the inside of me is as good as I can possibly make it. Living sure as hell ain’t easy, but I will make damn sure that the trials and tribulations are worth it. So to the little girl who shed countless tears at what she saw in the mirror, I hope you’re proud of the woman who stares back at you now.