In the End, the Love You Take, is Equal to the Love You Make

Sitting my run down, worn out, bedraggled booty on the couch, sipping my triple espresso ice coffee, and mustering up the energy to begin my trainings and fight prep for the day. You see, motivation is a bitch. It’s not always there when you need it, sometimes it refuses to rear its ugly head, no matter how much you try and wheedle it and coax it out of the dark, cavernous lodgings to which it resides. No amount of cajoling can dare to enthusiastically bring it to the surface, and that sucks. Very rarely, (and by rarely I mean never), do I wake up at 5:15 am, eager to jump out of bed to drive an hour away to get battered and pummeled and pushed to my limits of exhaustion and mental resiliency. But I’m lucky to reframe these thoughts into a happy acceptance that I get to do this. After all, I am being paid (mere pennies in the long-run and grand scheme of things, but some shekels nonetheless), to fight in a cage in front of a wide audience and be compensated to get bloody and violent. At the root of it all, humans are barbaric and thrive on bloodshed. Gee, I hope I make my ancestors proud.

Anywho, I chug my coffee and drive to my destination and bask in the fortunate circumstances life has alotted me to pursue. As a person who enjoys helping others, I used to get heartbroken and feel abandoned when those gestures weren’t reciprocated. But why? I can’t expect others to help me simply because I have helped them in the past and will continue to in the future. You don’t help other people in the hopes and expectations that they would do this for you, but simply out of the kindness of your own heart. It is not up to others to assist me in my endeavors, so I choose to focus on what I can do to help myself, and to be exceptionally grateful to anyone who chooses to assist me as well and to ensure I am the one who pushes myself. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by some great people in my life, and that has helped to soothe the pains from me having expectations from others, which inevitably just leads to sadness on my end. So I will give love, and continue to give love, and be happy for the love I receive in turn, even if it is not always from the people I hope. Feelings are stupid hahaha. 

So, I keep to a schedule. A schedule helps to keep things in order and allow me to remain disciplined. See, the secret to motivation is only discipline, which is hard, but a structured and rigid schedule helps so much. It’s probably why when I have to travel, or abrupt plans occur, and my timeline becomes askew, that I turn into a raging bitch. It’s something I idiotically only realized recently, and I am disgusted at myself for exhibiting such atrocious behaviors and shitty attitudes. I have to create these schedules, but also “schedule” some wiggle-room as well, so that if things don’t go exactly according to plan, I don’t crumble and disintegrate at my seams. Was it weird to schedule ‘unscheduled happenstances’? Perhaps. But then by knowing I have allowed issues to arise, I don’t totally freak out when they do. I’m a bit of a strange egg. And then I don’t violently rebuke the love I have given prior, which to be honest, is a pretty shitty thing to do.

I’ve definitely hit that point in fight camp where I am so physically and emotionally drained due to my copious amounts of training, my caloric deficit, and feeling like nothing I do will ever be good enough. I am putting a lot of work into my preparation in the hopes that my performance will prevail to exceed my expectations on the capabilities I am able to accomplish. Failure to prepare is being prepared to fail, and with my color-coded schedule and calendar and strict disciplinary routine, I am doing all that I can do to be ready. Sometimes I worry that I put too much pressure on myself, so I try to sit back every now and then and enjoy a few of life’s simplicities, and bask in the love I receive from others as well. I may not always do things right or correctly, but to err is to be human, and I am a constant work in progress in all facets of my life.

I really wish sometimes that there were more hours in the day. But my husband likes to tell me “you can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up faster.” Um, no thank you. I have to know that how I perform in the gym, on the mats, in the cage, or on the big screen is not indicative of my successes when it comes to being a good human being. Did I positively impact anyone at any point in time? Am I doing what I can do to make someone’s life a little bit better? Am I making a difference simply by existing and being the person that I am? Sure, there are people out there who probably loathe me and even wish ill upon me, but I hope there are people who look up to me too and treasure the relationships we forge and continue to build upon. So no matter how worn out, bedraggled, ragged, and exhausted I am, I will continue to spread as much love as possible, spreading this love like warm butter on freshly baked bread. Because like The Beatles say, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. And damn, I sure hope those numbers are high.