Leadership is an acquired skill, not a personality trait. My friend Jess told me this the other day, and she says to credit Jocko Willink for this bit of wisdom, but I’m gonna credit her for bringing it to my attention. You see, I’ve been writing a lot lately about my internal struggles, and I’m trying really hard to cultivate to be a better person, because I haven’t been too happy with the person I am these days. I’m sure some will say it’s just my mind playing tricks on me, or that I’m manifesting negativity by venturing back to that dark place in my mind, but I am battling thoughts of feeling unworthy these days. I don’t know exactly my reasons why, but I keep having these thoughts that perhaps I’m not a good person, let alone an adequate leader. I’m worried I am turning into the very thing I hate, and that is a self-serving, high-strung, lazy individual only concerned with themselves and incapable of adjusting to what is needed from life and from others in order to benefit not just my own existence, but those I come in contact with as well. Is it too late in my life to change? I don’t know. But I’m really going to try to live my life better than I currently am.
I should be at peak level happiness right now, and for the most part I am. I am a newlywed to the absolute love of my life, and when I say this man lights up my entire universe, I am telling the god’s honest truth. He has made me a better person, but there are still some things I suck at harder than the Dyson Shark. When it comes to teaching and leadership, I never want to be the reason people go astray. I look too much to my mentors when there are times I should firmly and confidently dictate what happens. If you aren’t resolute with your leadership, people will lose faith in the things you say and will constantly question what you do. And because I am the one presenting myself without concrete stability, I can’t be upset when people begin to doubt my leadership. Unfortunately, rather than reinvigorating me to do better, this has caused me to retreat further into the depths of my mind.
I talk about rejection being my biggest fear, and since I’m in a loving relationship, the anticipation of rejection haunts me elsewhere. For example, I don’t want to be the reason people avoid martial arts, particularly at my home gym. I feel as if unless I am always helping and aiding others with my journey, I am pretty much useless and unhelpful as an employee of said gym. I serve no purpose unless it’s of importance to others and thus sacrifice much of the training I require and need for competitions in lieu of being that partner and instructor for others. I also am perpetually paranoid about being excluded from things or like the odd man out. But I am also an adult and shouldn’t be sad if my feelings are hurt due to being worried that everyone secretly (and some maybe not so secretly) hates me.
Maybe I should adapt better to some of the leadership advice Jocko provides. He says if people aren’t responding to your leadership, the answer is not to get more aggressive with them. Funnily enough, my husband often says the same thing, though worded in a different way. I must learn to eschew any self doubt and negative or sad feelings and stay the course of remaining disciplined with my objectives and goals. Jocko says if you stay disciplined, you win, and dammit, I couldn’t be more sick of losing. Not just on the competitive scene, but when it comes to my internal and external relationships and endeavors all throughout my life. Remaining the course and staying disciplined will ultimately help me succeed, and I need to be stronger than the self doubt or hurtful words creeping into my mind. Facts, not feelings.
Jocko does say that humility and owning one’s mistakes is essential to success. And boy, do I make a lot of them. So after all my years on this earth, I am trying my hardest to change as a person and be better. Being organized and making plans to overcome these obstacles is what keeps failure at bay. Not being driven by ego or personal agendas, but staying focused on my goals and instilling the discipline to not waver in my course. Starving my distractions and feeding my focus and still, trying to not be a shitty person and allow my bad days to overwhelm the good. If I have been a shitty leader, mentor, role model, or friend to you, I am truly sorry and working my hardest to change. To lead is to bleed, and those sacrifices need to be made for the greater good. And they must be made without resentment or negativity fueling your mind. Leadership is an action, not a position, and whether you were willingly or reluctantly thrust into that role, it is your responsibility to do better. Though newly in my 30s, (fuck that hurt to write), it’s not too late for me. I will change. I will be better.
