Women hating on other women, or in any way being disrespectful for no reason, or putting other females down is stank coochie energy. Feel free to quote me on this for all future endeavors. Especially as ladies in a predominantly male sport, do better. We know this isn’t a beauty contest and some of y’all never watched Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality and it shows. If you are going to privately or publicly shame another woman in this sport, you better present with facts, not emotions, and receipts, otherwise keep your mouth closed unless you are opening it to offer an apology. Some of us ladies are upper belts, but it doesn’t mean we are knowledgeable on all things or are always in the right when it comes to situations. Some of us are brand new white belts but it doesn’t make our experiences any less valid or less important. Do better ladies, after all, it is women’s history month.
Turns out I don’t always suck at Jiu Jitsu, I’m just small. If you follow me on any of my various social media accounts lately, you’ll know I’ve been in my own head recently struggling with various aspects of my Jiu Jitsu lifestyle. Am I often looked over at my gym by other women when it comes to partnering up because I am so small? I’m not sure, but it definitely would make sense. People are gearing up for competitions in their weight class, and although I have 9 years of experience under my belt, I can still be smushed and held down because of my 120 lb frame. Then what is anyone actually getting out of the roll when it comes to competition? I am fortunate enough to be able to travel to train with others both my size and skill level, and it makes a huge difference. My Jiu Jitsu actually works and I don’t have lower belts who squish and suffocate me thinking I am only a brown belt because I am banging the gym owner. If it were that easy, I’d be a coral belt by now, so kindly shut the fuck up.
I swear sometimes I insist on hurting my own feelings, perhaps I’m a bit of a masochist even. I guess all of us who do Jiu Jitsu have a little bondage, sadism, and masochism woven into our personas. We are often tied up, inflict pain or receive brutality, and we still show up the next day with a smile on our faces. I can take on the battered body, riddled with arthritis and bruises all day long, but as of late, my heart is starting to feel a bit beat up on as well. My professor is very logical about everything, and talks to me about not taking it personally, but it’s definitely an internal battle I struggle with. Others get beneficial grappling time with each other, and as an upper belt and instructor, I am often left with those deemed dangerous or too new or too strong and I feel like as the fiancé of the gym owner, I can’t refuse training with them, even if my self-preservation is at risk. I guess I’d rather it be me then someone else, but I would definitely be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes leave the gym crying in my car feeling like the kid picked last in gym class.
Actually, I had almost the opposite experience on the playground in 3rd grade where I was picked first, but not for good reason. At the time, Red Rover was quite popular. It was a game where two opposing teams locked hands with their teammates across from one another, and would call someone from the opposite team to try and break through their chained barrier of interlocked hands. If they succeeded, they stole a partner from the other side, but if they couldn’t break through, they now had to join the opposing team, and the team with the longer chain by the end of recess won. I was always called by the opposing team first because I was guaranteed to lose. I was very small and undersized for my age (still am), and sometimes when I am forced to go up several weight classes in competition, and then watch my teammates be able to smash through those same people, I feel like that weak and sad 8 year old bullied relentlessly for causing my team to lose. I am forever wanting to be Big Sam, but I am reminded every day that I am a product of a premature, triplet birth with an underdeveloped pituitary gland and female hormones throughout my body, and will only ever be so strong.
I competed this past weekend, eager to have matches at a local tournament while I am prepping for a major Pans event. I ended up competing almost 40 lbs heavier to someone with a lower rank and lost on points in gi 4-2. Sure, I was bummed, but I was able to turn it around no gi where it’s harder to hold us small people down and win on points 4-0. Unfortunately, my opponent was less than stellar when it came to sportsmanship, especially toward the lady black belt who was gracious enough to also compete with us when she could have easily chosen not to compete with lower belts. It’s a local competition in a made up bracket, do better. Be there to fix another woman’s crown without proclaiming to the world that it’s crooked. Win with humility, and lose with dignity. Those who know me know that the only energy I allow in my presence is of the phenomenal phallic variety, that gigantic girthy glizzy, aka that BDE. Women supporting women, I am here for it.
I LOVE this!!! At first the girls in my academy were so welcoming to a new girl and white belt (they’re blue). But little by little snide comments crept in. Oh another stripe-were not taking it easy any more. (Mind you at 158lbs I’m considered light weight)
Another family joined the academy and the wife was my size!! So we automatically got paired up and have been partners for a year now. That added fuel to the fire for those other girls that felt their “territory” was being invaded.
I prefer to roll with the guys than those girls. They are always respectful and courteous and want to teach.
We should be cheering each other on in a male dominated sport and gym!
Last month I competed ins way lower age division because there was no one in mine or below. I lost on points and submission…to 2 kids. Actual kids. I was embarrassed, and embarrassed for my academy and Professor. I became way too much in my own head (more than usual) and took some time off. All I learned was how much I missed it and to hopefully do better next time.
Girl, when I tell you there was a 14 year old orange belt dominating in the teens and adult divisions this past weekend. She was beating all the adult blue belts. And that’s ok! She has been training the majority of her life and is working with an unbuttered, and unbroken body. I have been there before where after I felt embarrassed, I didn’t want to show up. But as an instructor and owner, I don’t have that option. And I know I could never go through with it. As bad as I feel going into the gym, I feel way worse if I don’t go at all. I am very fortunate to have a gym with amazing women and the support we have for each other is incredible. I am so glad you have an awesome partner.
“Sam said that’s ‘stank coochie energy'”.
Hopefully I won’t need to quote you but I’m going to have it at the ready.
Storing it in the back pocket just in case haha
Thanks for writing this blog.
It’s been a tough road finding a school to stay consistent with for I am forever moving from one place to another. It’s also been most difficult to feel that I fit in with the other women in the community. As I struggle to find women who realize we are in this together. I find myself being thrown around and smushed by everyone much bigger, I find it hard to smile, but I continue to get back on the mat. I remember… I really enjoy bjj. I cry often, I know I suck, maybe I’ll never make it pass where I am. But I hope one day I’ll be better. Hopefully I can find my way. I just tell myself, work harder…! Forever a 108 white belt.
When I see this blog, I see a strong woman with grit and determination. Even though you maybe 120lb, your personality says otherwise.!
Thank you so much! That means a lot. I cry a lot too, so you’re in good company I promise. Keep going! <3
I cannot tell you the relief I feel when attending my women’s class at my academy… these women are always welcoming and game to go with a really big woman like me… I appreciate every bit of encouragement I get… from my instructors to the other women and the men in the other classes… you could not ask for a better environment… there are always people you don’t like in life… that’s ok.. but on the mats it is different..I have never been treated badly by my competitors and can say that I have actually only been treated rudely 2 times in my entire jiu-jitsu career… I strive to be the kindest most helpful person I can be because when I was treated that way I felt really good about myself…I respect all you amazing warriors… and we all get our asses handed to us in the daily in jiu-jitsu… just the way it is!
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