Stepmonster

When I tell you I was not born with one minuscule maternal bone in my body, that is the God’s honest truth. So, naturally, I became involved in a committed relationship with someone who had children. If I would have been told years ago that this was my path in life, I never would have believed it. I think the fact that his children were becoming teenagers and could wipe their own butts kept me from Usain Bolt sprinting in the opposite direction. But man, did I struggle a lot in the beginning with knowing the right things to do or say. I always felt like I chose wrong, and he made it seem so easy, and to me, was the best dad in the world. I was lucky in the sense that he had raised several children as a stepparent himself, so he knew what it was like to form bonds without the familial blood line in place. And of course as time and years ticked by, I developed such a love and caring demeanor for children I had met at the crux of their adolescence, that it started to feel like I was right where I belonged.

I remember early on in our relationship, telling their father “Oh their mom will be so happy I know my place. I am responsible, have 2 college degrees, have my life and career put together, and don’t try to overstep as a parent because these kids already have a mother and father in their lives. I’m just an additional person to love them.” The way that man looked right in my face and went “Oh no Samantha, it definitely won’t be like that.” Yeah. He was right. Here I was thinking like a rational adult about the fact that hey had been separated over a decade, divorced for quite a number of years, and he’d been in relationships since, so why would I garner any animosity simply for existing in this relationship? Hahaha. I literally became enemy #1. To be fair, there was a whole hate campaign already in existence against one of the most caring and literal best person I have had the privilege to know, so therefore I am pure evil by daring to love someone so amazing. I had no chance from the get go.

I don’t understand how much hatred can exist in people’s hearts, or why some are so cruel, but well, it happened. I spent years cooking, caring, loving, and being there. I took care of them when sick, took them to doctor appointments, showed up at every school function, and made sure to try and live up to what I thought a bonus adult in the situation should be. I tried to lead by example but not smother too much, and I am sure I faltered quite a bit, but I kept on trying regardless. It’s no wonder the ‘evil stepmother’ trope is so prevalent in fairy tales. It’s like a lose-lose situation where you’re constantly reminded not to do too much because you aren’t the parent, but should you do too little, you re an uncaring asshole. It’s a catch-22, and sadly, nothing is ever good enough. You become the easy scapegoat when any issues arise, and it hurts.

It took me long time to gather up enough courage to pen this blog, and it had been sitting in my drafts for months. I’m not going to lie, I cried myself to sleep more times that I would care to admit. Just when I finally thought I had solidified meaningful relationships, I wound up getting my feelings hurt worse than any breakup ever could have caused my heart in the past. I thought I meant more than I did, and that was the worst mistake I could have made. Turns out, I’m not very good at this, and thinking I had built close bonds shattered my heart when I was wrong. Every day I am reminded with brutal honesty that I am not a mom, and never will be, and will never harbor that undying love children share for the woman who births them. Forever an outsider clawing at the surface just to be loved for giving so much of myself to others, only to be reminded that I am forever the person marrying into, and never actually a part of, said family.

It’s hard not to let a day go by where I’m overwrought with sadness about relationships I’ll never truly possess. I will always love them with all my heart, and I miss what I thought I had so very much. Nothing quite stings like a message read without a reply, or being blocked so that you’re forgotten about. I feel dumb for thinking I had something that clearly I never did, and I wish with all my heart that things were different. I’d give up everything else in my life just to be able to be with these people and have them let me love them, and that’s the truth. I miss them so much and I miss the closeness we once shared. It’s been quite a few years and I know I have made a lot of mistakes; it’s true I never really grasped the concept of how to navigate this journey. But dammit, if I always didn’t try my best. It’s easy to focus all your blame and vitriol on a singular person, but in the end, that is no fulfilling way to live. I wish things were different, and I wish I was better at this. There is no other way to end this blog then to say I’m so very sorry for what could have been.