What’s Wrong With Being Confident?

Always a tough line I’d struggled with finding the right balance between for a long time. I wanted to have faith in my demeanor and abilities but suffered with the fear that it would come across as arrogance and cockiness. How can I exude an air of being strong and confident in myself without portraying myself as someone who views themselves above others? I never want to appear obnoxious in my personality, but I also never wanted to be viewed as weak or someone people could easily traipse on and walk all over. I guess it manifested itself as certain anxieties as how others would view me. People can say all day that they don’t care what others think, but secretly, I think there is a small part that exists within all of us that would vehemently disagree with that statement, it just varies from person to person on how large or small of a factor that actually plays.

I wish I could say it hasn’t taken me as long as it has to truly feel comfortable in the skin I’m in. In my adolescent and teenage years (beginning with middle school, exploding in high school, and following me into college) I was woefully insecure. To the point where I wore super inappropriate clothing to accentuate certain curvaceous features to hopefully deter the eyes from the areas I was ashamed of people focusing on. I don’t think I realized at the time exactly what I was doing, but deep down, I probably knew it was because I lacked the confidence within myself to display my authentic nature to the public. So how did I conquer these setbacks?

Honestly, Jiu Jitsu and MMA gave me so much confidence within myself to go out there and put my best face forward, regardless of how it looked at any given moment. Sure, it helps that I am always so tired and broken and simply out of time and energy to make myself look more presentable, but rather than shrinking into the shadows, I remain walking tall (for an atomweight) with my head held high. And while it does help that I have a partner who tells me every day how beautiful he thinks I am, it took awhile for me to believe he truly sees me that way. Because I am always on the mats, when I first started this journey, I could no longer hide behind makeup or provocative clothing, but I hunched over and made myself appear as small as possible while I stared at the ground trying to hide my skin blemishes, patches of missing hair, and insecurities about my body. Now, I display who I am exactly as I am and make zero apologies for it. My competition photos might not be pretty, but I look at them with admiration at the badass I became doing what I love most in the world, lack of photogenic abilities be damned.

Are there days where I question my appearance, my athletic abilities, and my choices in life? Sure, after all, I’m only human and despite what some may think, I am not a total sociopath, I do have days where I suffer with feelings of doubt and sadness. But I have many more days where I wake up knowing full and well that I am that bitch and I came into this world in a blaze of chaos and excitement (being a triplet and all) and I plan on going out the same way. My life is too full and too jam-packed with opportunities to let any self-doubt creep into my brain. Instead of sweating the small stuff, I am feeding my focus by honing in on the things that truly matter and that has made all the difference in the key to life’s happiness. Let’s go baby.

So remember, take pride in what you do and don’t fear the reactions of others mistaking your confidence for cockiness. We have all rightfully earned our place in the world and contribute to others lives sometimes simply by just being a part of it. Long gone are the days of my beauty and grace, but I oddly now feel more beautiful than I ever have with mat burn, cauliflower ear, arthritically swollen joints, bruises, and lacerations. My confidence exudes from within and radiates outward making me feel gorgeous and powerful no matter what the mirror aesthetically reflects. This confidence has also negated a lot of the detrimental self-talk my intrusive thoughts threaten to admonish my athletic abilities with. So the aura of faith in myself inwardly reflects outwardly every time I step on the mats or in the cage. We are all strong, capable, beautiful, and most of all, worthy. Believe it.