Let it Out

You know, sometimes I wonder if it really looks like I have it together so effortlessly, that no one bothers to check in every now and then to see if I need a mental reprieve from the constant bombardment of task after task and obligation after obligation. Most times, it suits me well, as my mind benefits from being constantly kept busy in order to never lag behind and feel under accomplished or bored. But unfortunately, this can also lead to feeling overwhelmed as I tend to pile too much on my plate and risk being consumed by it all or choking on its repercussions. I enjoy my responsibilities when it comes to training obligations, teaching duties, maintaining household chores, completing outside tasks, and caring for a family. However, every once in awhile something new and sudden will pop up, throwing a wrench in my plans and then I succumb to desperately needing help.

When I say help, sometimes I literally just mean a simple kind word, or a brief little check in on my mental and physical state. What I absolutely abhor is someone asking how I’m doing under the guise that they care when really, they are inevitably waiting for me to reciprocate the question (as is common courtesy) in order for they themselves to vent and unload all of their stressors onto me. I do make sure to check in on those that I care about, or even just an online acquaintance, to ensure all is well or to see if they need help or assistance with anything, no matter how trivial, even if it is just to have a listening ear. But lately, it almost seems like a multitude of people flock to me to seek reassurance or help without wondering if I myself am pouring from an empty cup. Perhaps it is because I write a blog that individuals think I am full of advice and sage wisdom, when sometimes, I am screaming from the crux of my internal struggles and have nowhere to turn to.

It definitely hurts my feelings to think I am only being asked about my ongoings selfishly for the person in question to reveal their own displeasures or anxiety-inducing thoughts. I know that feelings are flawed and that all of this may just be the negative and imagined voices in my head perpetuating themselves as some sort of fallacy with only a kernel of the truth. I am working on reigning in these unsettling thoughts and trying to channel them into something more positive, but it’s hard for me when I can’t recall a time recently where a person reached out because they truly cared, rather than just waiting on their turn to open up and spill their secrets. Relationships of all types (platonic, familial, romantic etc), are very much give and take, but lately I have felt I am giving so much of myself without anybody else refilling my soul in return.

In the grand scheme of things, these are all small little grievances, but over time, they can really add up. Sometimes it takes just one snowflake to trigger an avalanche or one tiny spark to initiate a catastrophic inferno. I don’t want to let these feelings fester until they bubble up to the surface and I implode and have a complete and total breakdown. I’m sure I sound like such a pretentious and whiny brat revealing all of these things, but it is my blog and my cathartic outlet to vent, especially if I feel like the only way I can truly let it all out is through my words on screen. I am fortunate to live a very happy life where I am able to pursue my dreams and have opportunities to utilizer to great advantage. But damn, I’d be lying if I said sometimes a girl didn’t want to just air it out like a musty gi after a grueling open mat.