The title is kind of ironic for a 5’0 tall woman banking on her BDE ways of thinking, no? But that was exactly my mindset this past weekend as I ventured out into the biggest career opportunity I was presented with to date. I received a call on 15 days notice about a vacant slot to be an alternate for the Invite FC Phoenix series atom weight tournament in Kansas City. I immediately accepted the offer and knew I would have to buckle down as I had stepped on the scale and saw the numbers 124 staring back at me (really regretted eating foods I never eat at a go ng away party for a teammate the day before). If you’re wondering if this weight cut was both mentally and physically the hardest thing I have ever had to do, I can answer that with a resounding yes. If you are interested in hearing about the entire process and what it all entailed, go ahead and grab the next issue of Jiu Jiteira Magazine, where I will be detailing and thoroughly documenting the entire process and every single step of that ordeal.
There were countless obstacles threatening to impede this journey I was about to undertake. Firstly, thanks to Covid protocols, I was only allowed to be accompanied by one coach, where we would be quarantined to our hotel room until receiving negative Covid test results, and then spending the remainder of the week quarantined to the hotel premises itself. This presented a challenge in being unable to venture to other gyms to train at and cut weight. Luckily for me I have a portable sauna I was able to pack and take with me, but its awkward and bulky shape wasn’t the easiest to lug around through the airport. Then, I had to make do with 1 coach when normally I have three. On top of that, my fiancé, also my main Jiu Jitsu instructor, would not only be unable to accompany me, he was also going to be out of the country on a planned trip to Costa Rica, making him even more difficult to access via phone and messages. The days leading up to this last minute fight trip also prevented us from seeing much of each other as we each had prior obligations and commitments that kept us incredibly busy and at opposite directions. I know I shouldn’t complain, but my heart was definitely hurting on top of intense training and severe caloric deprivation.
So, I am dealing with all the mental obstacles that come with a normal fight week, on top of all these additional tidbits, and last minute adjustments to newer challenges that came with such a sudden offer. Then to be without my number one biggest supporter was also a huge blow. The week leading up to my departure was also met with a series of disappointments and obstacles as I felt completely let down by someone I consider the closest to me and hold in high regard. Tough lesson to learn that at the end of the day the only person you can truly count on is yourself. But although this was a tough and painful lesson to experience, it was incredibly valuable as well. I learned I am capable of so much more than I ever realized and at that when it comes down to it, I can dig deep within myself and push me to achieve the results I need. Although I may have support and encouraging words from others, when it comes down to it, no one is going to hold my hand through the hard tasks. It’s up to me to set those alarms, prepare my food, cultivate my daily schedule, and push myself to run that last mile or stay one more minute in that sauna. Ya girl did the damn thing.
Knowing that I was able to hold myself accountable and do what needed to be done, gave me more confidence than the years I have put into this sport. At every single event I walked in with my head held high, from Media Day, to ceremonial weigh ins, to the arena, and then to the cage. I knew that nothing else could dare impose a threat to me after all I was able to overcome and accomplish. And that’s not cockiness or conceitedness, that is a whole-hearted belief in myself and being proud of battling the hardest thing I have ever done with less support than I anticipated going forward. I can’t begin to describe the hurt I felt at having those betrayals come to fruition, but there is no point in dwelling on past pain. I am strong and I am capable and I will do all the things I need to because it must be done, whether it is on my own or not. Do or do not, there is no try.
I’ve learned that by believing in yourself, you can accomplish great things. And trust me when I say I remember every little encouraging word that was said, written, and sent my way (and trying not to bitterly reminisce on the shocking absence of words from others). Don’t ever underestimate the power of positive words. There were so many times when my body was ready to call it quits and give in, but my mind persevered, especially after reading some of the messages people took the time out of their day to send my way, even those I would never expect. This Big Dick Energy is here to say and make its mark on the world, and trust me when I say, I am not done yet. I will keep working hard, I will keep persevering, I will never stop trying my best and giving it all I got, and yes, I will keep walking tall and carrying this big stick.
