I’m tired of being too fearful to establish boundaries in my life. Whether that be everyday happenstances, personal or professional relationships, or even everyday meet and greets. I also owe zero explanation for my reasonings for establishing said boundaries and hard fixed points that will never relent or waver, ever. It is important to stand firm and resolute in my beliefs and not apologize for being the way that I am and thinking the way that I do. If there are certain conversations I want no part of, than it is my prerogative to withhold participation, and I am more than allowed to draw hard lines in the sand on areas I do not wish to delve into or elaborate on. The beautiful thing about my journey in this world is I have the freedom to choose which path I want to take and I have zero obligation to map out my decision making process to anyone but myself.
My fiancé and I started this thing years ago, where we decided on a “safe word” (no, not that kind of safe word), where if either party brought up the token phrase, the offending party would immediately drop the topic of conversation currently at play. It was an indicator that a sore spot had been hit and an impasse will be reached, and we needed to move on from the touchy area until cooler heads had prevailed. This was a monumental decision during the early stages of our relationship, where we built the foundation for clear and concise communication and where boundaries would be drawn on taboo subjects. If either of us uttered the phrase ‘penny whistle’ the topic was immediately dropped and broached no further. This has saved us from countless arguments and hurt feelings.
Now; this isn’t to say that we should never feel comfortable enough to express our thoughts and emotions to one another. It’s also vital to any relationship to not feel dismissed or as if our thoughts and feelings do not matter. However, there is always a time and a place to discuss things at length and there are many instances where it is either inappropriate or embarrassing to do in the company of others that may be present. When this safe word gets used, it does not mean the initial topic can not be brought up for dissection at a later date. It usually just means that one of the participating parties has taken issue at the present moment, whether it be because of location where the topic is being brought up or a particularly painful emotion, it can wait until a calmness has taken place. It has been such a healthy experience to listen to one another and to respect when things need to be let go as well.
There was a lengthy duration of time that both of us hadn’t enacted the safe word for quite some time, and suffered a lapse in memory on what exactly the word was. We just knew it was unique and peculiar and began a guessing game, shouting words like “shlotsky’s!” And “falafel!” until one of our brains was able to recall the correct term being as equally confusing and nonsensical like penny whistle. But it works well and we haven’t forgotten the term since. After almost 4 1/2 years together, it now gets invoked as more of a joke and we usually erupt into a fit of giggles when one shouts the phrase. But I couldn’t be more grateful for the idea and ensuing conversations that took place because of it.
I need to remember this in my daily life as well. If I am uncomfortable in a situation, whether it be because I fear my safety is at risk during a particular roll in Jiu Jitsu practice, or a stranger out in public is intruding in my space, I can enact the meaning behind penny whistle immediately. I can remove myself from said situation and refuse to offer up an explanation on why. At the end of the day, I am living this life for me, and there is no one else who will experience the skin I am in and all the thoughts and emotions that encompass it day in and day out. And should anyone want to think I am selfish or a bitch for putting my health, happiness, mental clarity, and safety above all else, then who gives a rat’s ass. Their opinion doesn’t effect my life. Until then, stay safe and happy my friends, and never feel guilty for imposing your boundaries and your very own unique safe word as well.
