Green-Eyed Monster

They say that comparison is the thief of all joy, and lately I have been seeing firsthand the reality of that sentiment. No matter how good things can be going for me, I’ll catch a blip of someone else’s social media, and I find myself mourning the lack of something I didn’t even know I wanted until I saw someone else in possession of it, whether a physical form or a manifestation of something less tangible. Why is it that I am so intent on being the root cause of my misery and sadness? A self sabotaging character trait. How did I miss out on the intuition of self-preservation so badly? I feel almost dumb for acknowledging such superficial feelings, especially when I am sure there’s bound to be at least one person out there longing for what I’ve got, but it seems the green-eyed monster continuously claws its way from the depths of my soul, crawling and clamoring to be brought to light. How superficial of me to have so many wonderful things going on, and yet, still feel envious of those around me. Often times, it is something in credibly trivial, like time to enjoy a sunny day, but then there are the times when I see someone superfluously master a technique I have been working so hard on for months with the simplest of ease. Can we all relate to that no stripe white belt whom adheres to Jiu Jitsu like a fish in water while many of us our floundering just below the surface fighting the current and trying not to drown? Maybe just me?

I feel like whenever I’m “good” at something, it’s because I have worked really hard and put in countless hours to do so. I’m not sure if there is anything I can really say I am a “natural” at as anything I do I carefully and meticulously plan every step in my journey. I carve out a schedule and I stick to it, allowing it to help me achieve my course goals and aims and stay on track for success. My winning fight record is chalked up to the countless hours I spend during grueling training sessions in the gym, my weight cuts are down to a scheduled science, my kitchen escapades can be boiled down to constantly creating and organizing new recipes, and even this blog is done on a timed schedule. I have a brother who is an exceptional artist. He is someone who is naturally talented and I’ve always longed to be able to find my niche just like him. I’m always waiting for my King Arthur moment, when he grabs the sword and pulls it out of the stone with the ease of a man who was meant to wield it. Instead of welding an excalibur, I just wield dicks with the bravado of someone who knows what they’re doing; BDE aka fake it till you make it.

I really need to lay off the social media, but with all this extra time during worldwide quarantine, I find myself aimlessly perusing the internet and lo and behold, I come across things that make me feel some type of way, whether I want to or not. I find myself jealous of the relationships others have with people I care about, wondering why I won’t ever have that same type of bond or affection. I see those around me doing wonderful things, both big and small, and I almost hate myself for not coming up with similar feats. Any success I have is marred by my internal critique of not doing it good enough or fast enough or comparing it to someone who I think did better. I just completed a 40 hour fast and I am already admonishing myself for not getting what I deem to be as good as results as others I have seen undertaking this task. I loathe the toxic trait of hypercritical analyzations I conjure up on others (primarily myself), but I seem to have a lot of difficulty putting an end to this negative pattern. I mean hell, I’m even super jealous of my partner’s sleeping ability who has no trouble passing out the second his head hits the pillow. Meanwhile I am tossing and turning for hours, staring up at the ceiling, and waking up at the slightest disturbance. I swear I’ll be lying there for hours hoping Mr. Sandman just teabags me into lullaby land.

When I was in high school, I had a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote I scrawled on the top and bottom of my floor-length mirror. “Envy is ignorance. Imitation is suicide.” It was a daily reminder to focus on the positive I had going on in my life and to dare to be different in a time when you’re harshly judged for not confining to the norm. I never wanted to compromise my individuality just to fit in, yet I was constantly miserable because I was so worried about the opinions of others just for being me. Now, I could honestly give a rat’s fart what people think of me and being self conscious is nowhere near my radar, but yet, I’m still constantly comparing myself to those around me. I’m so jealous of the carefree spirits in the world who refuse to let life’s daily stressors bring them down and never lose one second of their day worrying if they’re good enough. I know I’ll never win out on universal popularity, but I am always gonna wonder why others seamlessly have such a magnetic attraction to them that everyone just seems to love. Maybe I’m more of an acquired taste, like milk, or perhaps everyone else is just lactose intolerant and I’m the root cause of their diarrhea. I don’t know. I should probably just stop wondering people’s opinion of milk and have the attitude if they don’t like it then they can suckle the milk directly from my teat-like udders. (I have no idea where I’m going with these metaphors. I’ve been fasting and am clearly a smidge delirious).

I think I sometimes need to allow myself a small reprieve from social media. I’m definitely happy for all the good things happening with my friends, but I sometimes let my lack of achievements or my unfulfilled expectations consume my joy. I can’t let envy take over my body and need to learn to appreciate those who find success in areas I lack. I’m glad my partner can get a restful and fulfilled night’s sleep, I’m happy for those who put their trust and belief in a higher power to help get them through difficult times rather than dwell on all the negativity, and I love seeing those I care about reach new milestones. I’ve made peace with and come to terms with my familial role and understand I will never be a tier reserved for those related my blood and I’m okay with that, as I am still loved and cared for at the place that I am at. I know with my profession, sacrifices must be made, and it’s okay to feel a twinge of jealousy when I am cutting down to atom weight and seeing the glorious food photos my friends are posting. It’s okay for me to wonder ways to improve my skill and technique since I am not one of those God-given naturals at the sport. And it is more than okay to try and fail and try again. I have failed more times than I can count, and though I may beat myself up for not being as good at something as I want, I will always applaud myself for continuing to try without losing an ounce of enthusiasm along the way. I never just want to find a good way to do something, I want to find the best way, and I will learn to segue any jealousy I feel into a driving force to propel me to keep going and celebrate with others along the way.