And She Lived Happily Ever After

It’s me, your average, everyday, slightly neurotic, rigidly scheduling, face punching, neck strangling, trying the best that she can blogging weirdo. Last week, I postponed writing another blog for no other legitimate reason other than identifying that I was feeling a bit burnt out. I wasn’t necessarily dreading conjuring up a new post, but I didn’t feel that I was in a state of mind to produce content I would be proud of. I like to stand behind everything I produce or construe and won’t ever slap my name on anything I didn’t believe in, which is probably why if you follow me on any type of social media, you can see I’m a bit nuts in the kitchen, constantly cooking and baking and spending hours upon hours to make it perfect. Sometimes I wish I was more the “fly by the seat of your pants” type of girl, but alas, I’m much more of an elastic waistband type of girl, aka easy access. I crave organization and a schedule, and I notice if I am caught off guard with unplanned activities or plans, it puts a whole wrench in my mentality. To be fair, many people manifest their anxiety in different ways, like nail biting or persistent hyperventilating, so I’m pretty okay with channeling mine into cooking and cleaning, even if that does mean I’m a bit OCD about it. I find it soothing to the soul when everything has a place, items get cleaned on certain days, my laundry is always folded and put away, and my refrigerator is stocked full of homemade meals and treats. And trust me, if I didn’t know me and just randomly came across reading this blog, yeah, I’d want to punch me in the face too.

I know my fight moniker is a Wolf Queen, but ‘big’ and ‘bad’ are not in the vocabulary rolodex I’d use to describe myself. Probably more like sensitive and anal. Wow. Those are 2 adjectives I’d probably never put together again unless I was describing a Preparation H advertisement or a treatment for persistent hemorrhoids. I well up with tears whenever I’m shown an outpouring of affection from the amazing people I am surrounded by in life, and honestly it happens more times than I probably deserve. I also get really upset emotionally when I feel slighted, which fortunately doesn’t happen often from those I care about, but even from those in less relevant positions in my life, it is a bit upsetting. Can you imagine if the wolf was too busy bawling to attempt to blow down the homes of the three little piggies? The only huffing and puffing I tend to do is intermittently between heaving and laborious sobs. And I definitely don’t need any assistance in blowing anything, contact my DP for further inquiries. There are definitely times when I wish I was more stoic, but dammit, I’m human and I’m vulnerable, and I don’t mind being honest about that at all. Life is an emotional roller coaster, and this is one ride I am definitely tall enough to enjoy. So buckle up or strap in, throw your arms towards the sky, and get ready for the ups and downs, twists and turns, and excitement that life has to offer.

It took me quite some time before I sat down to write this piece, and I feel like a good part of it is actually me just continuously rambling about little tidbits here and there, with no clear direction of what exactly this blog post entails or what it’s exactly about. But that’s kind of like life. Sometimes we aren’t entirely sure where the paths we take will lead us, but we learn to enjoy each individual step in our journeys. These writings are like a trail of breadcrumbs for me to see how far I have gone or assist me in grounding myself and finding my way back should I ever get lost. I like to see the progress and growth I have made and even to cringe at some of the dumbass thoughts I have had or things I have said. I guess it’s all a learning experience and an educational process, and as long as I don’t end up being force fed by some witch in order to fatten up to be her next meal, then I think I’m doing pretty okay. Ha. I clearly set some pretty high standards for myself. That also makes 2 children’s fairy tales in one post (so far); I’m on a roll! We’ll ignore the prior references to buttholes and just chalk it up to “entertainment” value. After all, if I don’t throw a bit of colorful humor in here and there, I’ll start putting people to sleep, and not in a good way through a brutal knockout or choke. Melatonin makes you sleepy, but my blogs will invigorate your soul and get you up like Viagra. Stay (mentally) hard friends.

I was thinking quite a bit about the fairy tale Cinderella this past weekend, and the evil stepmother stereotype as Mother’s Day just passed. Stepmoms get quite a bad rap in fairy tales. They’re often betrayed as bitter old hags, incapable of loving children they didn’t bare, and seething with envy and jealousy at every turn. Personally, I’ve never loved 2 people more in my whole entire life, and if that makes my story unsuitable to be told to future generations, then so be it. I’m out here baking cakes, not poisoning apples, and receive nothing but kindness and love in return. Long story short, I had the greatest weekend and wouldn’t trade my situation for the world. I guess it helps when you have a partner who is not only the best dad you know, but an incredible person as well. Positive energy. attracts positive vibes, and I will work really hard in the future to stop anticipating for things to go wrong. It’s a bad habit that I deal with, and sometimes I feel like I even speak negativity into existence where previously there was no threat of discourse. If I think it, I can make it happen; I just need to focus my thoughts and attention on the good and wholesome outcomes versus the ‘what-ifs’ in life.

On the subject of fairy tales, little red riding hood has to be the stupidest twatwaffle in existence. You mean to tell me you can’t decipher a freaking wolf dressed up as your grandmother. My Bubbe would be so disappointed in me if I ever mistook her genial Jew-guilting and selfless loving persona as a carnivorous species of lupus. But then I think of all the people today are so easily fooled by those all around them pretending to be someone they’re not. You out here believing everyone is kind-natured with good intentions when it turns out they just got on a very believable Grandma suit. Luckily for our girl red, there’s a woodsman nearby who comes to her rescue. But fuck the whole ‘damsel in distress’ trope. I’m both the protagonist in my own fairy tale and my very own heroine. And to those thinking “my, my Sam. What a big ego you have.” The only thing I will say back is. “The better to conquer you with, my dear.” So though I may never be a big, bad wolf, I’ll continue to be my very own Wolf Queen. So don’t go dawdling through the woods alone, because I’m hungry and on the prowl for my next snacky snack. This Queen won’t stop until she slays the dragon, saves the villagers, and walks off triumphantly into the sunset with her equal partner. I’m the author of my very own fairy tale, and though I’ve got the ‘Once Upon A Time’ part down pact, I am continuously working every day on my “Happily Ever After.”