Sleigh My Name, Sleigh My Name

It’s beginning to look a lot like fuck this. Call me the Grinch, call me Ebenezer, call me whatever, I just don’t care anymore. I am just so tired and exhausted from this holiday, cooking all the food, cleaning, putting in extra working hours, keeping up with my fight camp training, trying to secure the perfect gifts for my loved ones, staying up late to wrap gifts, and doing everything that needs to get done while everyone who is actually family gets to enjoy their free time and relax and have fun. I have no idea what free time even is anymore or what it means to relax. And yes, I live a good life and 99% of the time I’m okay, so I feel like I’m allowed to bitch about things one time a year and my allotment starts now. I just feel like there is always something that needs to be done and I have no time to decompress. Even in my off hours, I am scrambling around to get some sort of house work done or take care of something or someone. I am literally about to lose my mind and all I want to do is sleep for a few days and wake up in a different life. Apparently this is super common, especially with the matriarch of a household. Growing up, I always wondered why my mother perpetually smelled of bleach and looked drained 24/7. Guess that mystery resolved itself as I can easily be sponsored by Clorox or ZzzQuil these days.

I am so inundated with stress lately that something is for sure about to be decked, but it ain’t these halls, fa-la-la-la-la. It’s Jingle Hells all up in this bitch and I’ve got enough things on my mind that I could say that would land me on Santa’s naughty list for the next 30 years to come. Gift me with coal, for I know I deserve it, but the pressure I’m under bout to turn that coal into diamonds so either way, I’m good. I wish all I could do was train and focus on fighting, but as usual life has other plans and my plate is piled way too high yet again. A good night’s rest would probably help, but for some reason I really struggle with REM sleep when I am stressed and waking up early isn’t helping matters any. Makes me wonder if I even make an impact or a difference with people in my life. If I stopped carrying the burden of trying to get everything done, would anyone even notice? The laundry, the groceries, the cooking the cleaning, what if it all just stopped? Would it even be noticeable to demonstrate the load that I carry? Or maybe if I stopped giving all of myself until there wasn’t a damn thing left, maybe my heart wouldn’t feel perpetually broken. I hate that I care and I hate that I am so weak, my feelings get hurt. The holiday season is easily when I shed the most tears and that, my friends, is saying something. Perhaps I should work harder on my elf esteem.

Something about the holidays can really make a person feel isolated, like Herbie on the Island of Misfit Toys. Probably doesn’t help that my partner looks virtually identical to Yukon Cornelius, but I digress. I guess this time of year just makes me bitter in general because for some reason, I go off on a rant about how much I hate stupid Tiny Tim every single year, and I don’t know if it’s because of my resentment for Charles Dickens or if I’m secretly offended by the use of the ‘tiny’ moniker, but I hate that little turd nugget and his unnecessarily optimistic catchphrase with everything I have. I guess being pulled in 1000 different directions weighs heavily on our minds, but the only direction I want to pulled is towards the cage to do work, Every other little thing keeps adding the the every growing list of responsibilities that I seem to lack the mental capacity for around the holidays. My batteries need recharging and I’m too busy to find an outlet for my tattered cord. The more I want to be left alone, the more I’m depressed by my solitude, and the unhappier I become. Which is honestly so stupid because I am the only one who can dictate how I feel, no one else. And when people around me are happy, laughing, and carefree, it makes me feel like a smeared pile of dog shit. What kind of person (besides the Grinch) is upset by other people’s happiness!? I’ve always had the ability to make an organ grow 3 sizes, I just don’t know if the heart is one of them.

I just can’t find it in me to muster up the energy to get excited for Christmas. The yuletide has been drained out of me like a Christmas vampire. Maybe one of these Christmases, someone can find a use for me, but being that my nose doesn’t glow like a beacon through the fog, I’ll just stick to the wayside for now. I’m sure the unfortunate people around me right now don’t want to keep being consumed by my misery, but it’s not like I can just snap out of it and be happy. I’m fucking stressed out of my mind and need a minute to be back to normal; understanding and patience is all I ask. Nice slow breaths and taking each day one day at a time. Keep your partridge in a pear tree, all your girl wants is a break. I legitimately can’t even remember the last time I stayed in my pajamas all day and did absolutely nothing. Some people fantasize about threesomes, I fantasize about sleeping in. What a kink. I definitely need to figure out ways to not get so worked up that every little thing sends me over the edge and reduces me to tears. It’s not normal to be flummoxed by hives during the jolliest time of year. After all, it’s not like I’m trying to save a butt ton of hostages from Nakatomi Plaza, so I can probably ease up a little on the stress levels after all. Yippie-ki-yay, mother fucker.

I do hope everyone I know has a wonderful holiday. I don’t want anyone to not enjoy their Christmas over one sour elf. I chose this life, I asked for this life, and I accepted this life. So times like this I need to put on my big girl panties and keep chugging along like the little engine that could. Hopefully my eye stops incessantly twitching as well or else these migraines will haunt my every waking hour. Just a few more weeks and it will all be over. And all of you are welcome to join me in an alcohol fueled birthday celebration after this upcoming fight. The goal is to emulate Santa’s reindeer Blitzen (y’all thought I was out of Christmas puns, ha). I hope everyone reading this has a holly jolly whatever it is you choose to celebrate, Feliz Navidad, and all that other cheery seasonal slang. Take a shot (or several) of eggnog for me and remember to be kind to your neighbor, especially this time of year. We don’t know the struggles we are all personally facing and I’m sure I rank low on the list of dilemmas but my feelings are still valid and I am allowed to have unshakeable bouts of sadness once a year. While some may be dreaming of a white Christmas, I’m hoping for a red one, full of the blood of my enemies, and bringing a whole new meaning to the term ‘nutcracker.’ I just got to stop letting me get so overwhelmed first. Here’s hoping Santa brings me a large Xanax this year. Ha, kidding.