As I’m sure many of you know, I am not writing this post as a champion. In fact, I am not even writing this post as a winner as I lost my title fight on Friday via second round TKO. Unfortunately, I reverted back to a lot of my old bad habits, didn’t listen to my coaches, didn’t capitalize on all the things we worked on during my arduous fight camp, and made a lot of mistakes. The one thing I did correctly was not giving up and showing heart, but heart doesn’t win fights and I already can not wait to get back in the cage and show what I am truly capable of with technique and skill. I feel like I let so many people down; my sponsors, my friends, my family, my coaches and my gym. It tore me up to get so close to reaching my dream and falling short, especially when I know I am capable of so much more than what was on display that night. The one positive thing I have from all this is that it was still an amateur fight and my record no longer counts once I turn pro and this can all be chalked up to a learning experience. But man, it still stings (and congrats to my opponent as well, as I don’t intend to diminish what she rightfully earned). I cried briefly afterwards but heard some advice recently that any pity party lasting longer than 5 minutes is a waste of time and I decided to heed that advice and just move on. Tears do not change the past, but will sadden my well-being in the present.
I’m sure there were quite a few people ecstatic to watch me fail, but the people who truly matter stand by me no matter what. I hate disappointing people, including myself, and though this loss hit me hard, I know I am better than what I showed and I know I will be back even better than before. Sometimes, I put too much pressure on myself. Just take a look at my resolutions I made for 2019 (listed below) and see that I am kicking myself at so far failing at almost all of them, except perhaps the last one. I’ve always wanted to make a difference in the world and I’m hoping to still have that chance and bring as much light to a darkened place as possible. We are currently hitting some road bumps in life, but I know that this is only the beginning and what fails to break me will on strengthen my resound. So laugh at my failures, they are only fleeting, but don’t expect to revel in my success when my turn comes, because it will, and I know the ones who were there through it all and their loyalty remains.
I’m lucky in so many ways. I may have gotten my ass kicked, but I did not sustain any serious injuries. I’m bruised and swollen, but not broken nor is my spirit diminished any less. I’m already counting down the minutes until I can get back to hard training and preparing for my next fight. When faced with adversity, we can either throw in the towel or we can swallow our pride, pick up the pieces, and continue to grind. If the biggest battles I have to face remain in the cage, then I am a lucky lady. So many must face much more pressing wars in their everyday life and I admire the resiliency of their spirit. I have someone who I can admire everyday how hard they work and their dedication to their job, their gym, and their children. John has battled through situations that would crumble the most Hercules-like of all men, and he continues to grow and thrive and come out on top. I have never been more inspired by anyone than that man right there, because no matter what life throws at him, he remains so calm in the face of struggle and never lets anyone down. I hope to be a fraction as wise and courageous as he is and then I know I can be the dominant Spartan warrior I am so clamoring to be.
People tell me to keep my head held high (pretty sure that’s what got me into trouble in the first place) and to be proud of what I did. Except I’m not. Because my coaches and my training partners know what I am capable of accomplishing and know that the version they saw Friday night was a weak silhouette of my true self. I am not done yet. I have so much more to give and will clamor at the chance to do so again. Disappointment is a bitch. I’ve never focused on a loss if I truly felt like I gave it my all and did my best. But this time, I know I didn’t. I’m not sure why, except for the fact that I felt off that day, but I do not want to make excuses. I own up to my shortcomings and add this fuel to the fire of indomitable spirit. I believe in myself enough to prevail and I have a great support system of people who feel the same.
Yesterday was my birthday, and I so badly wanted to go into my 28th year as a champion. But this is not the end of my story, just the closing of one chapter in the long novel of my life. Everyone loves a comeback, right? (Looking at you Britney Spears!) My goal is to push myself to my limits to see what I can reach, and if I stumble along the way, so be it, but though I may falter I will never relinquish to a defeated mindset. No Queen would ever allow the mockery of court fools and jesters to inhibit her reign. In the prolific words of Beyonce (Queen Bey) ‘Bow down Bitches.’
I hope anyone out there who falls 9 times stands up 10. I hope they know that losing doesn’t make you a loser, but staying down does. I may have been consumed by the inferno a few nights ago, but like a phoenix I will rise from the ashes ready to stare down any flame blazing down my path. I hate losing more than I like winning, but I hate disappointing others even more. Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat, because a man is only truly finished when he quits. The greatest test of courage on Earth is to bear defeat without losing heart. I will bleed, I will cry, I will scream, and I will lament, but I won’t ever quit. I have the mind and the heart of a champion and one day I will get to claim that title, it might just be a little bit later than I had planned. This wolf has such a strong pack beside her that the only place I can go from here is up. To those who stand by me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. And to those who stand in my way, God speed. I’m on the prowl.
